Shouldn't I know better?

There have many times in my life that I have wanted to change. To do something that I knew was in my best interest. I wanted to lose weight, exercise more, quit smoking etc. The reason to do these things was clear. I can go through the list of the positive benefits: feel better, look better, more energy, live longer, smaller global footprint. The list of negatives to making these changes, hmm...... can't think of any. So what stops me?

For me, I had to look at what I was getting out of not changing. Smoking made me feel better emotionally and mentally. I felt serene after a cigarette, the world seemed manageable. My mind was clear, I able to focus and organize better. It's been over 3 years since my last cigarette, the nicotine has long since left my system. Serenity is still something I wish just "came naturally" to me. In fact, serenity is quite elusive. Damn you Serenity!!! Ok, so I now have that episode of Seinfeld in my head. The one where George's Dad is screaming "Serenity Now!" I digress...

There were a lot of reasons to quit.

1) The obvious...it's gross.

2) It bothered the people around me.

3) Shortened my lifespan.

4) Expensive ($4/day, $1460/year)

5) It controlled my life. I needed a cigarette every two hours. Pretty inconvenient at times.

6) Lost productivity. This is one I could argue because I was actually more alert, focused and calm after a cigarette.

7) I coughed a lot

8) My mouth tasted like shit every morning.

9) I smelled bad, my car smelled bad.

10) My boyfriend complained about kissing me.

11) Although I mentally felt alert, I was physically tired, low energy.

The list could go on and on. My point is that the negatives clearly out weigh the positives. Seems like a slam dunk decision...you would think.

What did it take to quit? For me the primary motivation in quitting was that I felt like crap. Physically I mean. This motivation would only get me so far.

What did it take to stay quit? I had to find a (healthy) way of getting the same feeling I got from smoking.

Staying quit had NOTHING to do with "knowing better". I knew all too well the negatives of smoking. That's the thing about addictions. My inability to quit was not a moral short falling, it wasn't bad parenting, it wasn't lack of education of the dangers of smoking, it wasn't that I didn't care of myself and others. The bottom line is I needed to calm the chaos that was going on inside of me.

Feeling Alone

One of the things that I know that was to my advantage when I quit smoking was that I lived alone. Unfortunately, when I quit smoking I also withdrew into isolation. I really struggled to be around other people. This was really confusing for me. I have always been a "people person". After I quit smoking, I dreaded the thought of chit chatting with anyone. I would think...please no small talk, please.

At the time, I didn't understand why. I knew just being around people was uncomfortable. I dreaded it. Not just in social situations but things like grocery shopping. I used to shop at Wal-Mart but I found myself gravitating towards the smaller, local grocery stores. I was in survival mode and I didn't have the energy or mental clarity to figure out why this was going on. I just wanted to get in, get out and go home. My home was my haven. It was quiet, dark and I didn't have to talk to anyone.

The other frustration is no one seemed to understand what I was going through. I mean...no one. I tried to talk to my friends. They would say, "Ohhh...you miss smoking". I was like..."No, I miss how it made me feel. I miss the sense of calm, of being in control of myself". They all looked at me kinda blank.

I even tried going to Alcoholic Anonymous (AA) meetings. I was an addict after all. But it just didn't feel right. I didn't relate to them either.

My boyfriend and I had only been dating a few months, still very early in our relationship. He was very supportive and encouraging but we didn't have that level of trust yet. I wasn't ready to be that vulnerable with him.

I am still looking for that community. Of people who relate to me. I started the blog in hopes of developing that community. I would love to hear anyone's thoughts...good or bad! Tell me I'm an idiot, it's ok. I've been called worse :)

Shouldn't I be "over" this?

Several months after quitting, I started thinking..."Shouldn't I be over this? It's been THREE months since I smoked my last cigarette". I keep thinking this over the next six months. I kept hoping for my mind to clear, for my energy level to come back. I was just in this fog. I was going through the motions in life. And barely getting through that. I would get home and think "Please God, let tomorrow be better".

The answer was no, I shouldn't be over this. Honestly...it was nine months before I started to have a glimpse of coming out of the "fog". I don't say that to discourage anyone. In fact, I am hoping it will do just the opposite. Just because you still feel like shit, doesn't mean your doing anything "wrong". Quitting smoking is a bitch. And no...in a few months you won't be "over it". But it does get better.

I really wish I could have just taken a sabbatical while I quit. I wish I could have gone to a deserted island for nine months. To get throught the "crazies". But that isn't reality. I am very aware that I had it easier than most. I was newly divorced, no kids, had a job that required minimal interaction with people and my co-workers were sooo supportive (thanks MHH!) . I was in a long distance relationship with a man who was very understanding and supportive. By being able to talk through the "crazies" with him, he was able to help me understand the "logic" of what I was going through. That, in fact, I wasn't crazy.

I had to give myself "a break", cut myself "some slack". I had to focus on "one day at time". It does get better and it is worth it. Go easy on yourself.

Smoking Cessation with Vets and PTSD

I just found an article from the VA on smoking cessation. They found higher quit rates when they addressed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) symptoms concurrent with traditional smoking cessation. Yeah!!! This is what I'm talking about. The core treatment for PTSD is reducing reactive irritability, stress management, anti-anxiety / anti-depression medication etc. Treatment is not short lived and is best done intensively, over a period of time.

This is a start.

Missing the Boat

There is an article in USA Today about smoking and it's harmful effects. The article goes into great detail about how bad smoking is, how much is costs healthcare and how the tobacco companies have made smoking more appealing. I don't disagree with any of it. But...again, nothing about why people really smoke.

Smoking is AWFUL!!! I knew it was bad for me. I've seen all the nasty pictures. As a healthcare worker, I have worked with people DYING from smoking, struggling to get their next breath. But I did it anyway.

I was discussing the new ad campaign with a fellow former smoker. He thought it was a good idea. He said seeing a nasty picture got him to quit...for six months. The current anti-smoking campaigns, I believe, accomplishes two things. First, keeps some kids from ever starting. Secondly, gets people to quit smoking. BUT...Quitting is only the first step. STAYING quit is where the shit hits the fan. Where is the information to help accomplish that???

Instead, the information I had was that I needed to put on a patch and if I had a nicotine craving, I needed to take a deep breath. Give it five minutes, it will pass. It really upsets me the lack of comprehension and more importantly acceptance of what we are dealing with. This is not about a moral short-falling or lack of information. I am not a bad or stupid person because I smoked. I was desperate to calm my anxiety and smoking was my solution.

Irritable Nervous System

I now understood that I had anxiety or better described as an "irritable nervous system". The anxiety is not because I was withdrawing from nicotine (a part was but in fact a small part). I was like this before I started smoking. Looking back at my life, I have always used something to self-calm. This is one of those huge misconceptions that I want to dispel. It's not about just getting over the addiction to nicotine, or "withdrawls". Months after I inhaled my last cigarette, I was still having anxiety. My system had long gotten past the withdrawls.

The thing I like about the term "irritable nervous system" is that it gives me a better visual as to what is going on. My nervous system is irritated, hypersensitive. I am much more aware of and prone to have a heightened response to sensory input (Light, sound, touch, taste etc.). With that now understood, I now needed to do two things.

First was to decrease the sensory input in my environment. Especially light and sound. I found that I felt much better when my house quiet and lights turned low. If I tried to open the blinds or turn on the radio, I would feel my anxiety increase. When I would shut them off, I would immediately feel relief. It was a very fascinating experience.

The second thing I needed to do was to decrease my bodies response to my environment. This is what nicotine / smoking did for me. Now I needed to figure out a way to do it for myself. I knew medication was an option but I wasn't ready to go down that road. In desperation, I tried a form of biofeedback, called neurofeedback. At the time, I had no idea what is was or what it was supposed to do. All I knew was I felt better after doing it, a lot better. It came as close to how I felt after smoking as anything did.

This became the focus of my life. I really don't think I could have quit otherwise. I quite literally withdrew from the world for 9 months after my last cigarette. I am completely aware of what a luxury this was for me to be able to do this. I was essentially single (my relationship was long distance), my job was low stress but paid well, no kids. It makes me understand how some people truly can't quit.

It's a "Cindy" Problem

So the headline in the paper today is... "761 arrests, big seizure didn't curb drug trade... After 40 years and $1 trillion, the US and Mexico continue to fight a losing battle". I don't know much about economics but I do understand basic supply and demand. As long as there is a demand...people will continue fill the supply. The problem is not with drugs, it's the people who take them. Help them and demand will decrease.

My smoking problem wasn't a smoking problem it was a Cindy problem. Smoking was just my solution. I needed to find another solution. Now that I realized that my fight was not with the cigarette but with myself, a new fear arose. Addiction transference. Would I just become addicted to something else? Would I just replace smoking with another vice: food, alcohol, shopping??? It reiterated my desire that I had to get to the root of the problem and not just put a band aid on it.

So, the obvious solution was I had to learn how to relax. The next several months I supplemented my current cessation regime (mostly just the patch) with relaxation techniques. This included deep breathing, exercise, decreasing the sensory stimulation in my environment ( noise, light etc), less caffeine, hot baths, decreasing work load etc. I had a renewed sense of focus.

It wasn't enough. I kept starting again. I don't like to let my mind wander back those times that led to starting again. It is unpleasant and I keep thinking I should be embarrassed to reveal this but I'm not. It's just the truth. My mind would start spinning, heart racing. I had all this energy. But it was scattered, unfocused. I kept thinking deep breathes, exercise harder! Give it five minutes and it will pass. I let myself scream, throw things, jump up and down (the stories my dogs could tell). I even let myself drink too much, it would help but the spinning wouldn't stop.

Ultimately, autopilot would kick in and I would drive to Maverick to buy a pack of smokes. RELIEF!!! The sweet feel of the smoke burning my throat, filling my lungs, my mind and body reclaiming peace.

Fears about Quitting

As much as I wanted to quit, there was a lot I feared. "Could I really quit???" Fear of failure was huge. I struggled with whether or not to tell people I was quitting. What if I started again??? Over the 16 months of quitting it became a subject I dreaded. "Please don't ask how my quitting is going", I would think to myself. I was on and off the wagon so many times. On the other hand...I needed support. My fear of people knowing I failed won out and I began to withdraw socially.

Then there was the fear of weight gain. I have never been "skinny" but I was fairly comfortable with my weight. I was at the top of my "comfortable" range though. So...I thought "Maybe I should lose 10 pounds first then quit". But, I never quite got around to weight loss because my mind was pretty focused on quitting smoking.

Another big fear was losing my "friend". I been through a difficult year; divorce, 2 job changes, moving. Was I really ready to say goodbye to the companion that had "helped" me through all of that? No matter what time of day or my state of mind, there was always some level of comfort going outside for a smoke. There was the routine, and with that consistency of routine, was comfort.

The Stopping and the Starting

I spent 16 months stopping and starting smoking. I would quit anywhere from 1 day to 10 days. I had one stretch when I quit for 3 months. Just as important as figuring out how to stop smoking was figuring out why I kept starting again. That was going to be the secret to staying quit.

10 days of staying quit was pretty average for me. For the first couple of days, the hardest part was the routine of smoking. The transitions were the worst. Moving from one activity to another. Those were the times when I would always stop for a smoke. Waking up in the morning, after eating, getting in my car, getting home from work (yes, even though I had just had a cigarette in the car on the way home), moving from dusting to vacuuming etc. It was all part of the "routine", the "habit" of smoking. During those transitional time, I spent a lot of time laying on the couch, staring at the ceiling. That became my transition.

After those first couple of days, I would start to physically feel better. The cough would subside, I would have more energy, my throat wouldn't hurt, my breathing was better. I would head to gym and feel a "burn" in my chest. A healthy burn this time. I would think..."WOW, I feel great. I can do this!", as I was plugging away on the elliptical. I was happy. If I could just maintain this feeling, I could succeed at anything.

My physical and mental well being were in balance. This feeling of everything being right with the world would last about a week. "Why couldn't I hold onto this???" Unfortunately, my "happiness" would turn into "elation", "euphoria". Oh, this must be the "nicotine craving" I read about. Deep Breathes...isn't that what I read to do. Five minutes and it will pass. Five minutes, my ass. This would go on for hours. I was in a panic. I would be pacing around my house, I would go for a run, I would drink a glass of wine, I would clean, I would lay on the couch. My mind was racing. "MAKE IT STOP!!!" Next thing I knew I would be in the car, driving to the convenience store to buy a pack of smokes. I don't really remember making the conscious decision to smoke. I was on auto pilot.

The first cigarette was heaven. As my mind would clear, the realization of what I had done sunk in. "Shit!!!" I started again. The guilt, the remorse.

"Fuck it! I guess I am just meant to be a smoker." So, smoke I did. Unfortunately, after the first pack, I started to physically feel like crap again. I was reminded of why I wanted to quit in the first place. Within a couple of days I was resolved to quit again.

So, this was my routine. I went through this over 50 times over the next 16 months. Each time, learning something else about success and failure.

Denial is Not Just a River in Egypt

The experience of quitting smoking was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. The death of my cousin Mike was (is) the most heartbreaking experience of my life. The difference, I think, was I am able to see my powerlessness in dealing with his death. But quitting smoking I felt like I should be able DO THIS! I was so confused as to why I kept smoking again. I really hated how I felt when I smoked. But, that was all part of the process. I had lessons to learn. The most important one was "Why did I smoke?". Contrary to popular belief, it was not because I was addicted to nicotine. Yes, that was part of it but, in reality, a small part. Even as I do things that are not in my best interest, I need to look at why am I doing it? What am I getting out of this? As easy as it would be to blame the nicotine or the additives or even the Tobacco companies, I was the one ultimately putting the cigarette in my mouth and inhaling. I was getting something out of it. That was what my journey was about. Why I had to keep "failing". I hadn't learned the lesson yet. Awareness that there was a lesson to learn was just the first step.

Can I really do this?

I "officially" started trying to quit in March 2006. I had thought about quitting many times before. I never bought a carton of cigarette because that was resigning myself that I would be smoking for at least the next 10 days. I know, it was a stupid mind game but hey, it was my reality. I quit whenever I went home to visit my parents (or they came to visit). They didn't know I smoked (that is a story for another time, they know now). But as soon as I got to my first layover (usually Minneapolis) out through security I went. Ahhh, cigarette smoke and exhaust. It felt so good! That is not a sarcastic comment. At the time, it was HEAVEN. I would usually smoke at least two. Other than those occasions, I never really tried to quit.

My divorce was finalized just a few weeks before. So, probably not the best time to try to quit. But hey...I was starting over. I wanted a fresh start and part of that was putting smoking behind me. Not such a smart plan but one of MANY lessons I learned. I thought, I just need to get past this dumb addiction to nicotine and then I could move on. So, I slapped on a patch. From what I read, if I got a nicotine craving I just needed to take a deep breath and in five minutes it would pass. I expected it was going to be tough but I also expected that over the next several weeks and months, it would progressively get easier. HA HA HA HA HA

So, the cycle began. I would go through my quitting routine. I would last anywhere from a day to 10 days. It was discouraging, baffling, enlightening, frustrating etc. It would not be until June 9, 2007 that I would have my last cigarette.

Fighting Failure

"Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently" This was in the wrapper of a Dove chocolate I had last night. It took me back to trying to quit smoking. I spent an entire year trying and "failing" to quit. I never went more than 5 days without trying to quit. Not half ass trying to quit either. In the evening I would go through all the reasons I wanted to quit. Sometimes writing them down.

1) I feel like shit...tired, coughing, scratchy throat, smelly, no energy etc.

2) It's expensive

3) Smoking controls my life. I need to have a cigarette every two hours whether it's convenient or not. I am always running out at the end meetings, sneaking outside at social events, is this movie over yet???

4) It's not good for my health. Duh!

5) My boyfriend doesn't like it.

I would have one "last" cigarette. I would then ceremoniously break all the remaining cigarettes in the pack and go to bed. The next morning I would put on a patch with renewed resolve...This time was it!

The longest I would typically last was 10 days. Failure...again. So, quiting took me a year. I went through this ritual over 50 times.

What kept me trying? Interestingly, I never really felt like a "failure" through that whole process. Something inside of kept telling me I wasn't meant to keep smoking. Each time I wasn't able to quit, I learned something. "Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently" This quote hit me because that was the attitude I had. I had a lot to learn about myself during that year. Discontinuing to inhale cigarette smoke was only the beginning of my journey. This is why I wanted to write this blog. Smoking is NOT about the cigarette. It is about so much more. In order to quit successfully, I had to learn what it was about, for me. Everyone is different . This is my story.