Anything Worth Doing is Worth Doing Poorly

Yes, you read that correctly. I have to say this to myself every time I have a task in front of me that I just can't seem to get started on. The "roadblock" is up.

I never, ever, ever thought of myself as a perfectionist. In fact, I thought of myself as just the opposite. The terms lazy and procrastinator seemed to fit me better. If I had a task, I would put it off, and put it off until I ended up doing it at the last minute (example... school paper) or not at all (example... sew the button on the sweater that fell off). The other classic was for me to do 90% of task but never really finish it (example... home improvement projects). I was always so jealous of those individuals that could get started on a task and give it 110%. I always felt like I gave everything 50%.

My problem is that I always make a task out to be far bigger and more complicated than it needs to be. I have an idea of how it "should" turn out. I then proceed to get overwhelmed with this vision how the task should turn out. Hence, avoiding the task or not doing it all.

When I first heard this saying "Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly", I thought they were joking. Isn't it supposed to be "Anything worth doing is worth doing well". For some folks that saying works. But for me, I need to be ok with doing a project poorly to get started on it at all. With the notion that it doesn't have to be done perfectly, it takes away the roadblock that was stopping me from getting started.

So, the roadblock has been up for blogging. Hence, why no blogs in awhile. Well, I have to keep telling myself that my blog can be shit and that's ok. Cindy...just blog. Always a work in progress.

Transitions

Smoking was a "transition" for me. Something to fill in the gap between activities. When I woke up in the morning; I got out of bed, grabbed a Diet Pepsi and went outside and had a cigarette. When I finished eating, I smoked. When I finished dusting, I smoked then I moved onto vacuuming.

The transition I still struggle with, three and half years later is when I don't know what to do next. It's not that I lack things to do, I just don't know what I want to start on next. Tonight, I finished working on a project that I had been working on for most of the weekend. As I sat on the couch, I thought "this would be a good time for a cigarette". Smoking a cigarette was a "transition", a chance to take a deep breath, clear my head, and ponder my options. By the time I finished the cigarette, I usually would have it figured out what I would do next.

After I quit, the worst transition time was when I would first get home from work. I would stand in my kitchen and think "now what?". Again, I had lots that needed to be done but I just couldn't quite get going. Something was missing.

I needed to find a new transition. This is still a work in progress. Like dealing with my anxiety, I have to have a "bag of tricks". Get a drink of water, go to the bathroom, knit, sit and stare, read a magazine. Tonight, I took a shower. When I got out, my husband looked at me confused and asked why I took a shower. I said something witty but the reality is I needed a transition. By the time I got out of the shower, I knew what I was going to do next and a blog post was born.

Where am I Rushing Too?

I just heard a new song from Darius Rucker "This". The chorus really stuck with me... "For every stoplight I didn't make...Thank God for all I missed cause it led me here to this."

I have always been in a rush. Everything I did seemed to have a sense of urgency to it, a need to be efficient. I lived for what was next, not where I was. I am so grateful today to live in the present. To realize that missed stoplights are not a bad thing. That pause in my day could have a purpose. Even if it is to just stop and take a deep breath. Now when I find myself rushing, I stop and think...is it really necessary?

What Other People Think of Me is None of My Business

This is another one of those life lessons that I have a love / hate relationship with. I know it's true but remembering it and putting it into practice is another thing. When others are unhappy with me, I want so desperately to explain myself, to justify my actions. To have them understand why I did / said what I did. I hate to not have people "like" me.

I used to think that if I felt uncomfortable feelings: anger, sadness, hurt that there was something "wrong" and I needed to fix it. But sometimes those feelings are there and are a necessary part of life. I used to think that they could not co-exist with love. But in building a loving / trusting relationship we must be honest with those with love. Even if it means we cause hurt (or are hurt). The important thing to remember is the intent is not to hurt but it is part of the process.

When I am in conflict with another I have to take a hard look at myself and my actions. Do I have any regrets? Was my motive in the right place? Once I am at peace with my actions, I must let the situation go.

It is during these times, when I want to; act, resolve, figure out, that I lean on my faith. When I am asked what my religion is, I always pause. I have no emotional tie to any religion so my answer is always "spiritual". I have an deep faith in God but it was not borne from anything I was taught in a church. Don't get me wrong, I have learned some wonderful things in churches but not faith. There is a plan and I am quite certain it is better than mine. Life has proven that to me over and over.

So, what does this have to do with smoking? Everything. Smoking was my coping mechanism. I avoided many feelings by smoking. Once I quit, I had to go about life another way. I had to learn how to live with my feelings, to live with discomfort.

Too Much Energy

I know, I know...your thinking, no such thing. For me though, it can be a big problem.

There are problems to having too much energy. First, I am totally unproductive. My mind starts to race, I think of all the things I want to do, accomplish but then it gets away from me. I become over-whelmed and I shut down. I sit on the couch and stare, thinking of all the things I "should" be doing. My mind is cluttered, disorganized, unfocused. This is when I would smoke. After a cigarette, my mind would slow down and I would be able to focus again. Now that I don't smoke, I had to figure out another way of slowing my mind down. Even three and half years after quitting, it's still something that I struggle with daily.

Second, I become irritable and reactive (think lethal PMS). I can only keep a lid on it for so long, then I blow. My husband is a saint! I am am so thankful for his patience and our ability to communicate. I can tell him "Honey, I think it's best to give me some space".

When I feel myself "escalating", the first thing I do is look around and see what things around me are contributing to my level of arousal: light, sound, touch. I turn down the lights, shut off the TV, computer, radio etc. Is there a fan blowing? A fluorescent light humming? Ear plugs are a godsend. I have learned to not even try to wear clothes that aren't comfortable. Ideally, if I can just sit in a quiet / dark room for 10 minutes, it's enough to calm me down. I come out feeling calm and refreshed, like I just took a nap even though I didn't sleep. Unfortunately, that is not always an option.

Other times, I need to do something more. I have a bag of self-calming tricks (not listed in any particular order) that I use. Go for a walk, take a shower, knit, drink alcohol, take a Xanax, eat, pet my dogs, neurofeedback, drink a cup of (non-caffeinated) tea, say the Serenity Prayer. Obviously, some of these are healthier options than others. I try to use the less healthy options sparingly but there are times that it best for everyone that I use them.

These are the times that I sooo miss smoking. I miss the instant calm it gave me. I didn't need "self-calming strategies" or a "bag of tricks". I just needed a smoke. It was sooo much easier.

Logic or Excuse?

I was working as a PT in Home Health and was taking an elderly woman for a walk in her neighborhood. One of her neighbor's home always had a bunch of cars at it. I asked her about it and she explained that a large extended family all shared the home. She said very matter of fact "They live differently than I do." There was no judgement in her statement. When I find myself being judgmental, I think of her.

One of the things I have struggled with is the idea of "logic" vs. "excuse". When I explain why I smoked, do you hear "logic" or "excuse"? What's the difference? For me, understanding the logic is understanding where some else is coming from, understanding the why of something. It's looking at things from another point of view. This concept has been instrumental in my growth as a person and in relationships. In our "nose to the grindstone" culture though, I think sometimes giving a "logic" is perceiving as giving an excuse.

When I understand the "logic", I am better able to be empathetic. With my anxiety, I tend to ruminate, to obsess. One of the things I can obsess about is when someone does / behaves in a way that is "Not what I would do". I have found it helpful to dig deeper and find out (or even just take some guesses) why they may do what they do. It helps to stop the obsessing and accept the situation for what it is and not try to change it.

When I understand the logic, I am in a much better position to be supportive and as needed, helpful.

There is nothing "wrong" with me

So, a persistent feeling I have had my entire life is that there is something "wrong" with me. I never really felt like I fit in. I was never comfortable in my own skin. I think that was one of the things smoking did for me, for a period of time (until the nicotine wore off), I was comfortable in my skin. In my last blog I talked about the 3 A's: Awareness, Acceptance and Action. My life was all about action. As long as I kept "doing", I didn't have to feel this discomfort of something "wrong".

So, as I started to have periods of time without my "distraction" (nicotine), I began to have to experience the awareness of the "wrongness" in me that I worked so hard to avoid. Awareness is a double edged sword. On the one hand, it is the first step in finding solution to a problem but on the other hand it's like having a band-aid ripped off. OUCH!!!

Some days, I wanted to go back into my state of denial. Before I had other skills at my disposal, I did just that and started to smoke again. But I as I progresses through this journey, I was forced to find other ways to deal with that feeling of "wrongness".

I remember a period of time when I was quitting that I would wake up in the morning with this pit in bottom of my stomach. I wasn't even out of bed yet! It took several days until I realized that even before I got out of bed, I felt like I already failed for the day. I knew I wasn't going to be a "good enough" friend, relative, employee, mom to my dogs, etc. Uggg! Why even get out of bed.

But, there it was...Awareness. With just knowing what the feeling was came a sense of relief. Now, I needed to accept where I was. That is the hard part. Getting to that peaceful place of Acceptance. I used to always think acceptance meant I had to approve of the situation. I have learned (another great lesson from Lois' friends) that acceptance is just acknowledging the reality of the situation. I don't have to be good with it, just know it's there. Once I reach that peaceful place, then I can make changes. Another VERY counter-intuitive skill for me.

So, I needed to accept that there was nothing "wrong" with me. I am me, with all my quirks. I didn't need to be anyone other than that. I just needed to do the best I could that day. Sometimes by best was half-ass but truly there are days when that is all I am capable of. And that's ok.

Something from Nothing

I have been pondering over the last week as to what to write about next. There is so much but at the same time my mind is blank. So, I decided to rely on a skill I have learned over the last few years...do nothing about it! This is one of the most challenging and counter-intuitive skills for me. My whole life I have been a "Doer", a "Thinker", a "Figure it out at all costs" kind of person. To just let something be, to "Let it Go"...perish the thought!!!

It wasn't until about 6 years ago, when my life was at an all time low, that I reached out and met some really wonderful people. They started to teach me some skills, one of which was that doing nothing, was really doing something. They taught me that I didn't have to have everything figured out. That, most of the time, things would work themselves out (usually for the better) if I leave them alone. There is a process to things. First is awareness, then acceptance and after that...then action. I tended to skip right to the action.

So, for me, when I am at a crossroads, I have learned to do nothing. It is amazing to me what productivity comes from doing nothing. Give it a try.