If it's not one thing, it's another.

I've had rheumatoid arthritis for 13 plus years. It really hasn't been a big deal, just a pain (literally) once in awhile. Until now... About a month ago, I went into a bad flare. It's taken the wind out of my sails and made me SLOW down, WAY down. This is not in my nature and I am not happy about it.

I'm trying to stay optimistic but I don't want to confuse optimism with denial. This has been quite an eye opener for both myself and my husband. I need to make some life changes but I am really resistant. I just want to feel good, do good things and be an asset to the world. Is this too much to ask??? Ok, so now I am moving into a pity party which I don't want to do either.

I had been feeling so good from an anxiety standpoint. It was no longer interfering with my daily life and I was being productive. Then, this hits. Now I hurt everywhere and am exhausted! Shit!

I am feeling really discouraged.

This Morning, I Cried.

And it felt so good! Crying has always been something that has not come easily for me. The only time I cried growing up was out of frustration. I don't ever recall crying out of sadness or joy. I remember watching "Where the Red Fern Grows" in Middle School. All the girls were crying at the end and I was a stone. There wasn't even a hint that I wanted to cry.

I have realized how much my anxiety has put up walls for me. I work so hard to keep myself under control that I keep everything under control. I am just surviving. Trying to keep it together, keep focused on the task at hand. All the while, the joys of everyday life pass me by.

With my anxiety under control, I really started to experience the great range of emotions. From great sadness to great joy. Over the last six weeks, as my anxiety has been high, I had returned to survival mode. No tears, for joy or sadness.

As we started tweeking my meds a couple of weeks ago, the emotions started to come back. Ahhh, how I have missed you. So, this morning I cried. The tears were initially out of sadness. I am starting an organic gardening class tonight. My cousins, Mike, who was killed two years ago was an organic farmer. As I was thinking about the class starting, I started to think about Mike and the tears started to flow. As they flowed, I started to realize how little I cried anymore. The last time was on Mike's birthday a couple of weeks ago.

Crying had been a near daily occurrence for me. In a good way! It meant I was feeling and experiencing life. They were not tears of depression, just an expression of myself. I would hear a sappy song, read something in the paper, see something beautiful, grateful for the life God has given me. It wasn't until this morning that I realized I had not been doing that.

The tears of sadness then became tears of joy. Joy for feeling again. Joy that my anxiety is getting back until control and I am feeling like myself again. Joy that I am beginning my gardening class and joy of being reminded of Mike.

Feeling Better

"The only true comparison we can make is with ourselves." Maybe the experience I had this week was to remind me of how far I've come. I am feeling much better but still trying to wrap my head around what happened. It was a reminder of where I have come from and how bad things were at points in my life. The feelings of despair, hopelessness, pessimism and I couldn't write it before...but suicidal ideation. (No need to worry for my safety, they're just thoughts, no intention to act.)

Those were pervasive feelings for me for many months. As I dealt with divorce, quitting smoking, financial crisis and my cousin's death. I remember thinking... What's the point??? Why was I put on this earth? I felt so completely out of control. I could accept that I didn't have control over many things in my life. What was so hard after I quit smoking was that I didn't even feel like I had control over myself. My emotions were all over the place. I so struggled to just feel at ease.

The last six months have been so wonderful in that I finally felt like I had control over myself again. I was pursuing my dreams and living my purpose. I have felt like "ME".

Thankfully...those feelings did pass. It was only a few days this time instead of months. I have a greater appreciation for where I've been and where I'm going.

I Had Forgotten...

The last two days have been pretty scary for me. Before I go into that, I need to give a little background first.

I haven't really talked much about meds. At various times over the last 10 years I have tried various medications to manage my mood. I hadn't had a lot of success but I hit another mood crisis about six months ago and decided to try again. I have a good / knowledgeable support system in both my husband and my healthcare provider. The meds this time have been wonderful. I have felt better than I ever have. I've gotten the benefit from them that I needed without unacceptable side-effects. The problem is, after about 5-6 weeks on a dose, the effects start to wear off. So, we increase my dose. Again, I feel great for about 5-6 weeks, then my anxiety starts to go up again. I hit a point a couple of weeks ago when we decided my dose was now too high and we lowered it.

The last two days have brought back feelings I have not felt in over six months. Frustration, despair, hopelessness, pessimism, anger, resentment, lack of empathy etc. Fuck! I had forgotten how this felt and it sucks. It is really scary to be back here. My husband and I had a long talk about it last night. Poor guy...he thought he had done something. Nope, just me! We have come up with a plan and I'm feeling a little better today. Hence, why I am able to write about it.

I'm really hoping "This too shall pass". But then again, I'm not feeling real hopeful right now.