Freedom

I'm taking the time today to appreciate the freedoms I enjoy. I thank all the people who sacrificed to allow me to enjoy these freedoms.

The freedom I appreciate the most is the freedom of CHOICE. The freedom to believe what is in my heart and not be driven by the "I should" and "I'm supposed to".

To not have my choices restricted by my gender. There are still a lot of woman in the world who do not have this same freedom.

I appreciate the freedom of not being controlled by cigarettes.

I appreciate that I can love children but I am able to choose whether of not I want to have any of my own.

The freedom to be grateful for my past, excited for my future and the ability to be present in the now.

Happy 4th of July!

Right Where I Am Supposed to Be.

I can get so overwhelmed by everything I want to do and become. The beautiful things is, compared to any other point in my life, I am more content than ever before. Today, I am at peace with being right where I am. I am moving in a direction that is feels right in my soul. Am I there? No, but then I think, where is there? Can I just enjoy today for the gifts it brings?

I am happy to be present. To know there is is no "there". There is only today. There used to be someone in my life that thought that to be content was a negative thing. I am grateful to now know the wonderful beauty in contentment.

Happy Anniversary.

It has been four years since I quit smoking! Wow. In some ways it seems like so long ago, other times, not so long. I still crave the peace and serenity I felt smoking a cigarette. Everything seemed ok, if only for a short while. It was a short break from the insanity that was my life.

I think the bigger issue is how much my life has changed since I quit smoking. There really isn't much of my life that is the same. My home, career and car are different, I am now happily married. Most of the changes bring me great joy and happiness. I have a purpose and passion to my life that I never imaged I could have. I used to be so jealous of people who lived their life with passion. I would think "what is my passion?" My mind would literally draw a blank.

My core group of friends has completely changed. This was something I really didn't anticipate happening and I still don't understand why it did. But...it did. I have a wonderful group of friends today but I still feel a sadness for the ones that are no longer in my life.

Such is life. A subtle balance between happiness and sadness. There is joy in feeling both emotions because it reminds me that I alive.

What to do?

I'm angry, sad, optimistic, and confused. I feel like I have so many options yet no options. I lack focus. There are so many things up in the air right now, I am not sure where to put my energy. Where will it be of most use?

This all leads to my feeling over-whelmed. When I get over-whelmed, I shut down. It's one of the things smoking did for me. It gave me a fresh start. I would go outside, have a smoke and things would seem to come into perspective.

It's Monday morning, time for a fresh start, hoping this week brings a new perspective.

Anyone have any thoughts on gaining perspective on life when your feeling overwhelmed?

Today I Gave Into Laziness

I slept in til almost 10 o'clock this morning! For me, this is just craziness. As a smoker, I was always up late and had no problem sleeping in. Since I quit, I am early to bed and early to rise. Usually, the latest (and this is a rare occasion) I sleep into is 8am.

The last six weeks have been crazy, lots going on, lots to do, deadlines to meet. Today my body said "Uncle" and I gave in. Not only did I sleep in late but I took a 2 hour nap this afternoon. All day, I have felt soooo relaxed. It has been heaven. I told my husband that I felt "mellow". His response was "that is not something we have much of around here".

On these rare occasions that I have a day like today, I get a little worried that I have lost all motivation and will never be productive again. Today has been different, I have been at peace with my laziness. I know my drive will come back soon enough and I will be longing for this feeling of mellowness again.

Yes, I do see the irony. I long to feel at peace then when I get it, I am worried about it. Sometimes, I really don't know what to do with myself.

Tonight though, I am going to go back to the couch and knit.

Again, I Cried

Again, it felt so good.

I am taking an organic gardening class. As part of the class, we have to do "homework" every week. Which just means we have to go to the garden outside of class and put in some sweat labor. I am taking this class for a variety of reasons. I have discovered a love of cooking over the past couple of years. What better way to supplement our meals than with fresh veggies!

Another reason is that Mike was an organic farmer. Mike is my cousin who was killed two and half years ago. He was more like a brother to me and I still miss him terrible. In some way, I hoped to feel a closeness to him by taking this class. Tonight, I did.

I had done some very basic pruning in the garden and was walking back home. Lucky for me, the garden is within walking distance of our house. My thoughts drifted to Mike and I started to cry. The tragedy of his death haunts me. As I was walking and crying, for a brief moment, I felt like someone was giving me a hug. It was brief but significant. I felt comforted.

Mike's death has made me look at what I believe in with regards to the after life. I still don't know what that is but for a moment tonight, I felt he was with me. I cried most of the way home. Some were tears of joy for the moment of comfort, others were of grief, others were of gratitude. All of them felt good.