My smoking problem wasn't a smoking problem it was a Cindy problem. Smoking was just my solution. I needed to find another solution. Now that I realized that my fight was not with the cigarette but with myself, a new fear arose. Addiction transference. Would I just become addicted to something else? Would I just replace smoking with another vice: food, alcohol, shopping??? It reiterated my desire that I had to get to the root of the problem and not just put a band aid on it.
So, the obvious solution was I had to learn how to relax. The next several months I supplemented my current cessation regime (mostly just the patch) with relaxation techniques. This included deep breathing, exercise, decreasing the sensory stimulation in my environment ( noise, light etc), less caffeine, hot baths, decreasing work load etc. I had a renewed sense of focus.
It wasn't enough. I kept starting again. I don't like to let my mind wander back those times that led to starting again. It is unpleasant and I keep thinking I should be embarrassed to reveal this but I'm not. It's just the truth. My mind would start spinning, heart racing. I had all this energy. But it was scattered, unfocused. I kept thinking deep breathes, exercise harder! Give it five minutes and it will pass. I let myself scream, throw things, jump up and down (the stories my dogs could tell). I even let myself drink too much, it would help but the spinning wouldn't stop.
Ultimately, autopilot would kick in and I would drive to Maverick to buy a pack of smokes. RELIEF!!! The sweet feel of the smoke burning my throat, filling my lungs, my mind and body reclaiming peace.
No comments:
Post a Comment