Shouldn't I know better?

There have many times in my life that I have wanted to change. To do something that I knew was in my best interest. I wanted to lose weight, exercise more, quit smoking etc. The reason to do these things was clear. I can go through the list of the positive benefits: feel better, look better, more energy, live longer, smaller global footprint. The list of negatives to making these changes, hmm...... can't think of any. So what stops me?

For me, I had to look at what I was getting out of not changing. Smoking made me feel better emotionally and mentally. I felt serene after a cigarette, the world seemed manageable. My mind was clear, I able to focus and organize better. It's been over 3 years since my last cigarette, the nicotine has long since left my system. Serenity is still something I wish just "came naturally" to me. In fact, serenity is quite elusive. Damn you Serenity!!! Ok, so I now have that episode of Seinfeld in my head. The one where George's Dad is screaming "Serenity Now!" I digress...

There were a lot of reasons to quit.

1) The obvious...it's gross.

2) It bothered the people around me.

3) Shortened my lifespan.

4) Expensive ($4/day, $1460/year)

5) It controlled my life. I needed a cigarette every two hours. Pretty inconvenient at times.

6) Lost productivity. This is one I could argue because I was actually more alert, focused and calm after a cigarette.

7) I coughed a lot

8) My mouth tasted like shit every morning.

9) I smelled bad, my car smelled bad.

10) My boyfriend complained about kissing me.

11) Although I mentally felt alert, I was physically tired, low energy.

The list could go on and on. My point is that the negatives clearly out weigh the positives. Seems like a slam dunk decision...you would think.

What did it take to quit? For me the primary motivation in quitting was that I felt like crap. Physically I mean. This motivation would only get me so far.

What did it take to stay quit? I had to find a (healthy) way of getting the same feeling I got from smoking.

Staying quit had NOTHING to do with "knowing better". I knew all too well the negatives of smoking. That's the thing about addictions. My inability to quit was not a moral short falling, it wasn't bad parenting, it wasn't lack of education of the dangers of smoking, it wasn't that I didn't care of myself and others. The bottom line is I needed to calm the chaos that was going on inside of me.