There is nothing "wrong" with me

So, a persistent feeling I have had my entire life is that there is something "wrong" with me. I never really felt like I fit in. I was never comfortable in my own skin. I think that was one of the things smoking did for me, for a period of time (until the nicotine wore off), I was comfortable in my skin. In my last blog I talked about the 3 A's: Awareness, Acceptance and Action. My life was all about action. As long as I kept "doing", I didn't have to feel this discomfort of something "wrong".

So, as I started to have periods of time without my "distraction" (nicotine), I began to have to experience the awareness of the "wrongness" in me that I worked so hard to avoid. Awareness is a double edged sword. On the one hand, it is the first step in finding solution to a problem but on the other hand it's like having a band-aid ripped off. OUCH!!!

Some days, I wanted to go back into my state of denial. Before I had other skills at my disposal, I did just that and started to smoke again. But I as I progresses through this journey, I was forced to find other ways to deal with that feeling of "wrongness".

I remember a period of time when I was quitting that I would wake up in the morning with this pit in bottom of my stomach. I wasn't even out of bed yet! It took several days until I realized that even before I got out of bed, I felt like I already failed for the day. I knew I wasn't going to be a "good enough" friend, relative, employee, mom to my dogs, etc. Uggg! Why even get out of bed.

But, there it was...Awareness. With just knowing what the feeling was came a sense of relief. Now, I needed to accept where I was. That is the hard part. Getting to that peaceful place of Acceptance. I used to always think acceptance meant I had to approve of the situation. I have learned (another great lesson from Lois' friends) that acceptance is just acknowledging the reality of the situation. I don't have to be good with it, just know it's there. Once I reach that peaceful place, then I can make changes. Another VERY counter-intuitive skill for me.

So, I needed to accept that there was nothing "wrong" with me. I am me, with all my quirks. I didn't need to be anyone other than that. I just needed to do the best I could that day. Sometimes by best was half-ass but truly there are days when that is all I am capable of. And that's ok.