This Morning, I Cried.

And it felt so good! Crying has always been something that has not come easily for me. The only time I cried growing up was out of frustration. I don't ever recall crying out of sadness or joy. I remember watching "Where the Red Fern Grows" in Middle School. All the girls were crying at the end and I was a stone. There wasn't even a hint that I wanted to cry.

I have realized how much my anxiety has put up walls for me. I work so hard to keep myself under control that I keep everything under control. I am just surviving. Trying to keep it together, keep focused on the task at hand. All the while, the joys of everyday life pass me by.

With my anxiety under control, I really started to experience the great range of emotions. From great sadness to great joy. Over the last six weeks, as my anxiety has been high, I had returned to survival mode. No tears, for joy or sadness.

As we started tweeking my meds a couple of weeks ago, the emotions started to come back. Ahhh, how I have missed you. So, this morning I cried. The tears were initially out of sadness. I am starting an organic gardening class tonight. My cousins, Mike, who was killed two years ago was an organic farmer. As I was thinking about the class starting, I started to think about Mike and the tears started to flow. As they flowed, I started to realize how little I cried anymore. The last time was on Mike's birthday a couple of weeks ago.

Crying had been a near daily occurrence for me. In a good way! It meant I was feeling and experiencing life. They were not tears of depression, just an expression of myself. I would hear a sappy song, read something in the paper, see something beautiful, grateful for the life God has given me. It wasn't until this morning that I realized I had not been doing that.

The tears of sadness then became tears of joy. Joy for feeling again. Joy that my anxiety is getting back until control and I am feeling like myself again. Joy that I am beginning my gardening class and joy of being reminded of Mike.

Feeling Better

"The only true comparison we can make is with ourselves." Maybe the experience I had this week was to remind me of how far I've come. I am feeling much better but still trying to wrap my head around what happened. It was a reminder of where I have come from and how bad things were at points in my life. The feelings of despair, hopelessness, pessimism and I couldn't write it before...but suicidal ideation. (No need to worry for my safety, they're just thoughts, no intention to act.)

Those were pervasive feelings for me for many months. As I dealt with divorce, quitting smoking, financial crisis and my cousin's death. I remember thinking... What's the point??? Why was I put on this earth? I felt so completely out of control. I could accept that I didn't have control over many things in my life. What was so hard after I quit smoking was that I didn't even feel like I had control over myself. My emotions were all over the place. I so struggled to just feel at ease.

The last six months have been so wonderful in that I finally felt like I had control over myself again. I was pursuing my dreams and living my purpose. I have felt like "ME".

Thankfully...those feelings did pass. It was only a few days this time instead of months. I have a greater appreciation for where I've been and where I'm going.

I Had Forgotten...

The last two days have been pretty scary for me. Before I go into that, I need to give a little background first.

I haven't really talked much about meds. At various times over the last 10 years I have tried various medications to manage my mood. I hadn't had a lot of success but I hit another mood crisis about six months ago and decided to try again. I have a good / knowledgeable support system in both my husband and my healthcare provider. The meds this time have been wonderful. I have felt better than I ever have. I've gotten the benefit from them that I needed without unacceptable side-effects. The problem is, after about 5-6 weeks on a dose, the effects start to wear off. So, we increase my dose. Again, I feel great for about 5-6 weeks, then my anxiety starts to go up again. I hit a point a couple of weeks ago when we decided my dose was now too high and we lowered it.

The last two days have brought back feelings I have not felt in over six months. Frustration, despair, hopelessness, pessimism, anger, resentment, lack of empathy etc. Fuck! I had forgotten how this felt and it sucks. It is really scary to be back here. My husband and I had a long talk about it last night. Poor guy...he thought he had done something. Nope, just me! We have come up with a plan and I'm feeling a little better today. Hence, why I am able to write about it.

I'm really hoping "This too shall pass". But then again, I'm not feeling real hopeful right now.

Shouldn't I know better?

There have many times in my life that I have wanted to change. To do something that I knew was in my best interest. I wanted to lose weight, exercise more, quit smoking etc. The reason to do these things was clear. I can go through the list of the positive benefits: feel better, look better, more energy, live longer, smaller global footprint. The list of negatives to making these changes, hmm...... can't think of any. So what stops me?

For me, I had to look at what I was getting out of not changing. Smoking made me feel better emotionally and mentally. I felt serene after a cigarette, the world seemed manageable. My mind was clear, I able to focus and organize better. It's been over 3 years since my last cigarette, the nicotine has long since left my system. Serenity is still something I wish just "came naturally" to me. In fact, serenity is quite elusive. Damn you Serenity!!! Ok, so I now have that episode of Seinfeld in my head. The one where George's Dad is screaming "Serenity Now!" I digress...

There were a lot of reasons to quit.

1) The obvious...it's gross.

2) It bothered the people around me.

3) Shortened my lifespan.

4) Expensive ($4/day, $1460/year)

5) It controlled my life. I needed a cigarette every two hours. Pretty inconvenient at times.

6) Lost productivity. This is one I could argue because I was actually more alert, focused and calm after a cigarette.

7) I coughed a lot

8) My mouth tasted like shit every morning.

9) I smelled bad, my car smelled bad.

10) My boyfriend complained about kissing me.

11) Although I mentally felt alert, I was physically tired, low energy.

The list could go on and on. My point is that the negatives clearly out weigh the positives. Seems like a slam dunk decision...you would think.

What did it take to quit? For me the primary motivation in quitting was that I felt like crap. Physically I mean. This motivation would only get me so far.

What did it take to stay quit? I had to find a (healthy) way of getting the same feeling I got from smoking.

Staying quit had NOTHING to do with "knowing better". I knew all too well the negatives of smoking. That's the thing about addictions. My inability to quit was not a moral short falling, it wasn't bad parenting, it wasn't lack of education of the dangers of smoking, it wasn't that I didn't care of myself and others. The bottom line is I needed to calm the chaos that was going on inside of me.