This Morning, I Cried.

And it felt so good! Crying has always been something that has not come easily for me. The only time I cried growing up was out of frustration. I don't ever recall crying out of sadness or joy. I remember watching "Where the Red Fern Grows" in Middle School. All the girls were crying at the end and I was a stone. There wasn't even a hint that I wanted to cry.

I have realized how much my anxiety has put up walls for me. I work so hard to keep myself under control that I keep everything under control. I am just surviving. Trying to keep it together, keep focused on the task at hand. All the while, the joys of everyday life pass me by.

With my anxiety under control, I really started to experience the great range of emotions. From great sadness to great joy. Over the last six weeks, as my anxiety has been high, I had returned to survival mode. No tears, for joy or sadness.

As we started tweeking my meds a couple of weeks ago, the emotions started to come back. Ahhh, how I have missed you. So, this morning I cried. The tears were initially out of sadness. I am starting an organic gardening class tonight. My cousins, Mike, who was killed two years ago was an organic farmer. As I was thinking about the class starting, I started to think about Mike and the tears started to flow. As they flowed, I started to realize how little I cried anymore. The last time was on Mike's birthday a couple of weeks ago.

Crying had been a near daily occurrence for me. In a good way! It meant I was feeling and experiencing life. They were not tears of depression, just an expression of myself. I would hear a sappy song, read something in the paper, see something beautiful, grateful for the life God has given me. It wasn't until this morning that I realized I had not been doing that.

The tears of sadness then became tears of joy. Joy for feeling again. Joy that my anxiety is getting back until control and I am feeling like myself again. Joy that I am beginning my gardening class and joy of being reminded of Mike.