Would I ever start smoking again?

We flew down to Salt Lake City and were walking by the "smoking rooms". My husband asked "sure you don't want to go back?". We have this conversation periodically. Would I ever start again?

I've learned "never say never". I, of course, have pondered this question many times over. My initial response is always, NO. But, then again, if life circumstances were different, maybe. If I lived alone...in Europe maybe where smoking is better tolerated. Sitting in an outdoor cafe with a cold beer and a cigarette is an occasional fantasy.

Then logic takes over. I remember how much smoking controlled my life. My next cigarette was never far from my thoughts. About an hour after my last cigarette, I would start thinking about how I was going to have my next smoke. Looking at my schedule, thinking where will I be? Will I be in a position to step out for a smoke? If I wasn't, I would start to feel a little panic. My mind would be problem solving...how can I make this work? I would be distracted by this problem solving that I really wasn't very focused on what I was doing. Do I miss this? NO

Walking by those smoking rooms at the airport is another good reminder of why I quit. Flying was always a bitch. Salt Lake City is one of the very few airports that still allow smoking in the terminal (yes, SLC allows smoking in the airport, what's up with that???). Most airports, you need to go out through security, smoke a cigarette (or two, ok sometimes three) and then go back through security. Other times, I would panic if my layover was tight. I would evaluate the security line and weigh my options. Did I have time to go out, smoke quick and go back through security without missing my flight? Oh the angst!

If only I could be just a casual smoker! Having that occasional cigarette. But I know better, I can't be a casual smoker. If I started again, I would quickly be back to a pack a day. I know that. I am very aware that if I ever started again, that would be it. Quitting was so horrible, I could never do it again. I would be a smoker for life.

So, with that, starting is really not an option. Except...I did tell myself when I quit that if I was still alive at 70, I could smoke again! I guess the answer to the question is: Yes, in 32 years.

What to do?

I'm angry, sad, optimistic, and confused. I feel like I have so many options yet no options. I lack focus. There are so many things up in the air right now, I am not sure where to put my energy. Where will it be of most use?

This all leads to my feeling over-whelmed. When I get over-whelmed, I shut down. It's one of the things smoking did for me. It gave me a fresh start. I would go outside, have a smoke and things would seem to come into perspective.

It's Monday morning, time for a fresh start, hoping this week brings a new perspective.

Anyone have any thoughts on gaining perspective on life when your feeling overwhelmed?

Today I Gave Into Laziness

I slept in til almost 10 o'clock this morning! For me, this is just craziness. As a smoker, I was always up late and had no problem sleeping in. Since I quit, I am early to bed and early to rise. Usually, the latest (and this is a rare occasion) I sleep into is 8am.

The last six weeks have been crazy, lots going on, lots to do, deadlines to meet. Today my body said "Uncle" and I gave in. Not only did I sleep in late but I took a 2 hour nap this afternoon. All day, I have felt soooo relaxed. It has been heaven. I told my husband that I felt "mellow". His response was "that is not something we have much of around here".

On these rare occasions that I have a day like today, I get a little worried that I have lost all motivation and will never be productive again. Today has been different, I have been at peace with my laziness. I know my drive will come back soon enough and I will be longing for this feeling of mellowness again.

Yes, I do see the irony. I long to feel at peace then when I get it, I am worried about it. Sometimes, I really don't know what to do with myself.

Tonight though, I am going to go back to the couch and knit.

Again, I Cried

Again, it felt so good.

I am taking an organic gardening class. As part of the class, we have to do "homework" every week. Which just means we have to go to the garden outside of class and put in some sweat labor. I am taking this class for a variety of reasons. I have discovered a love of cooking over the past couple of years. What better way to supplement our meals than with fresh veggies!

Another reason is that Mike was an organic farmer. Mike is my cousin who was killed two and half years ago. He was more like a brother to me and I still miss him terrible. In some way, I hoped to feel a closeness to him by taking this class. Tonight, I did.

I had done some very basic pruning in the garden and was walking back home. Lucky for me, the garden is within walking distance of our house. My thoughts drifted to Mike and I started to cry. The tragedy of his death haunts me. As I was walking and crying, for a brief moment, I felt like someone was giving me a hug. It was brief but significant. I felt comforted.

Mike's death has made me look at what I believe in with regards to the after life. I still don't know what that is but for a moment tonight, I felt he was with me. I cried most of the way home. Some were tears of joy for the moment of comfort, others were of grief, others were of gratitude. All of them felt good.

Anything Worth Doing is Worth Doing Poorly

Yes, you read that correctly. I have to say this to myself every time I have a task in front of me that I just can't seem to get started on. The "roadblock" is up.

I never, ever, ever thought of myself as a perfectionist. In fact, I thought of myself as just the opposite. The terms lazy and procrastinator seemed to fit me better. If I had a task, I would put it off, and put it off until I ended up doing it at the last minute (example... school paper) or not at all (example... sew the button on the sweater that fell off). The other classic was for me to do 90% of task but never really finish it (example... home improvement projects). I was always so jealous of those individuals that could get started on a task and give it 110%. I always felt like I gave everything 50%.

My problem is that I always make a task out to be far bigger and more complicated than it needs to be. I have an idea of how it "should" turn out. I then proceed to get overwhelmed with this vision how the task should turn out. Hence, avoiding the task or not doing it all.

When I first heard this saying "Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly", I thought they were joking. Isn't it supposed to be "Anything worth doing is worth doing well". For some folks that saying works. But for me, I need to be ok with doing a project poorly to get started on it at all. With the notion that it doesn't have to be done perfectly, it takes away the roadblock that was stopping me from getting started.

So, the roadblock has been up for blogging. Hence, why no blogs in awhile. Well, I have to keep telling myself that my blog can be shit and that's ok. Cindy...just blog. Always a work in progress.