If it's not one thing, it's another.

I've had rheumatoid arthritis for 13 plus years. It really hasn't been a big deal, just a pain (literally) once in awhile. Until now... About a month ago, I went into a bad flare. It's taken the wind out of my sails and made me SLOW down, WAY down. This is not in my nature and I am not happy about it.

I'm trying to stay optimistic but I don't want to confuse optimism with denial. This has been quite an eye opener for both myself and my husband. I need to make some life changes but I am really resistant. I just want to feel good, do good things and be an asset to the world. Is this too much to ask??? Ok, so now I am moving into a pity party which I don't want to do either.

I had been feeling so good from an anxiety standpoint. It was no longer interfering with my daily life and I was being productive. Then, this hits. Now I hurt everywhere and am exhausted! Shit!

I am feeling really discouraged.

Freedom

I'm taking the time today to appreciate the freedoms I enjoy. I thank all the people who sacrificed to allow me to enjoy these freedoms.

The freedom I appreciate the most is the freedom of CHOICE. The freedom to believe what is in my heart and not be driven by the "I should" and "I'm supposed to".

To not have my choices restricted by my gender. There are still a lot of woman in the world who do not have this same freedom.

I appreciate the freedom of not being controlled by cigarettes.

I appreciate that I can love children but I am able to choose whether of not I want to have any of my own.

The freedom to be grateful for my past, excited for my future and the ability to be present in the now.

Happy 4th of July!

Right Where I Am Supposed to Be.

I can get so overwhelmed by everything I want to do and become. The beautiful things is, compared to any other point in my life, I am more content than ever before. Today, I am at peace with being right where I am. I am moving in a direction that is feels right in my soul. Am I there? No, but then I think, where is there? Can I just enjoy today for the gifts it brings?

I am happy to be present. To know there is is no "there". There is only today. There used to be someone in my life that thought that to be content was a negative thing. I am grateful to now know the wonderful beauty in contentment.

Happy Anniversary.

It has been four years since I quit smoking! Wow. In some ways it seems like so long ago, other times, not so long. I still crave the peace and serenity I felt smoking a cigarette. Everything seemed ok, if only for a short while. It was a short break from the insanity that was my life.

I think the bigger issue is how much my life has changed since I quit smoking. There really isn't much of my life that is the same. My home, career and car are different, I am now happily married. Most of the changes bring me great joy and happiness. I have a purpose and passion to my life that I never imaged I could have. I used to be so jealous of people who lived their life with passion. I would think "what is my passion?" My mind would literally draw a blank.

My core group of friends has completely changed. This was something I really didn't anticipate happening and I still don't understand why it did. But...it did. I have a wonderful group of friends today but I still feel a sadness for the ones that are no longer in my life.

Such is life. A subtle balance between happiness and sadness. There is joy in feeling both emotions because it reminds me that I alive.

Would I ever start smoking again?

We flew down to Salt Lake City and were walking by the "smoking rooms". My husband asked "sure you don't want to go back?". We have this conversation periodically. Would I ever start again?

I've learned "never say never". I, of course, have pondered this question many times over. My initial response is always, NO. But, then again, if life circumstances were different, maybe. If I lived alone...in Europe maybe where smoking is better tolerated. Sitting in an outdoor cafe with a cold beer and a cigarette is an occasional fantasy.

Then logic takes over. I remember how much smoking controlled my life. My next cigarette was never far from my thoughts. About an hour after my last cigarette, I would start thinking about how I was going to have my next smoke. Looking at my schedule, thinking where will I be? Will I be in a position to step out for a smoke? If I wasn't, I would start to feel a little panic. My mind would be problem solving...how can I make this work? I would be distracted by this problem solving that I really wasn't very focused on what I was doing. Do I miss this? NO

Walking by those smoking rooms at the airport is another good reminder of why I quit. Flying was always a bitch. Salt Lake City is one of the very few airports that still allow smoking in the terminal (yes, SLC allows smoking in the airport, what's up with that???). Most airports, you need to go out through security, smoke a cigarette (or two, ok sometimes three) and then go back through security. Other times, I would panic if my layover was tight. I would evaluate the security line and weigh my options. Did I have time to go out, smoke quick and go back through security without missing my flight? Oh the angst!

If only I could be just a casual smoker! Having that occasional cigarette. But I know better, I can't be a casual smoker. If I started again, I would quickly be back to a pack a day. I know that. I am very aware that if I ever started again, that would be it. Quitting was so horrible, I could never do it again. I would be a smoker for life.

So, with that, starting is really not an option. Except...I did tell myself when I quit that if I was still alive at 70, I could smoke again! I guess the answer to the question is: Yes, in 32 years.

What to do?

I'm angry, sad, optimistic, and confused. I feel like I have so many options yet no options. I lack focus. There are so many things up in the air right now, I am not sure where to put my energy. Where will it be of most use?

This all leads to my feeling over-whelmed. When I get over-whelmed, I shut down. It's one of the things smoking did for me. It gave me a fresh start. I would go outside, have a smoke and things would seem to come into perspective.

It's Monday morning, time for a fresh start, hoping this week brings a new perspective.

Anyone have any thoughts on gaining perspective on life when your feeling overwhelmed?

Today I Gave Into Laziness

I slept in til almost 10 o'clock this morning! For me, this is just craziness. As a smoker, I was always up late and had no problem sleeping in. Since I quit, I am early to bed and early to rise. Usually, the latest (and this is a rare occasion) I sleep into is 8am.

The last six weeks have been crazy, lots going on, lots to do, deadlines to meet. Today my body said "Uncle" and I gave in. Not only did I sleep in late but I took a 2 hour nap this afternoon. All day, I have felt soooo relaxed. It has been heaven. I told my husband that I felt "mellow". His response was "that is not something we have much of around here".

On these rare occasions that I have a day like today, I get a little worried that I have lost all motivation and will never be productive again. Today has been different, I have been at peace with my laziness. I know my drive will come back soon enough and I will be longing for this feeling of mellowness again.

Yes, I do see the irony. I long to feel at peace then when I get it, I am worried about it. Sometimes, I really don't know what to do with myself.

Tonight though, I am going to go back to the couch and knit.

Again, I Cried

Again, it felt so good.

I am taking an organic gardening class. As part of the class, we have to do "homework" every week. Which just means we have to go to the garden outside of class and put in some sweat labor. I am taking this class for a variety of reasons. I have discovered a love of cooking over the past couple of years. What better way to supplement our meals than with fresh veggies!

Another reason is that Mike was an organic farmer. Mike is my cousin who was killed two and half years ago. He was more like a brother to me and I still miss him terrible. In some way, I hoped to feel a closeness to him by taking this class. Tonight, I did.

I had done some very basic pruning in the garden and was walking back home. Lucky for me, the garden is within walking distance of our house. My thoughts drifted to Mike and I started to cry. The tragedy of his death haunts me. As I was walking and crying, for a brief moment, I felt like someone was giving me a hug. It was brief but significant. I felt comforted.

Mike's death has made me look at what I believe in with regards to the after life. I still don't know what that is but for a moment tonight, I felt he was with me. I cried most of the way home. Some were tears of joy for the moment of comfort, others were of grief, others were of gratitude. All of them felt good.

Anything Worth Doing is Worth Doing Poorly

Yes, you read that correctly. I have to say this to myself every time I have a task in front of me that I just can't seem to get started on. The "roadblock" is up.

I never, ever, ever thought of myself as a perfectionist. In fact, I thought of myself as just the opposite. The terms lazy and procrastinator seemed to fit me better. If I had a task, I would put it off, and put it off until I ended up doing it at the last minute (example... school paper) or not at all (example... sew the button on the sweater that fell off). The other classic was for me to do 90% of task but never really finish it (example... home improvement projects). I was always so jealous of those individuals that could get started on a task and give it 110%. I always felt like I gave everything 50%.

My problem is that I always make a task out to be far bigger and more complicated than it needs to be. I have an idea of how it "should" turn out. I then proceed to get overwhelmed with this vision how the task should turn out. Hence, avoiding the task or not doing it all.

When I first heard this saying "Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly", I thought they were joking. Isn't it supposed to be "Anything worth doing is worth doing well". For some folks that saying works. But for me, I need to be ok with doing a project poorly to get started on it at all. With the notion that it doesn't have to be done perfectly, it takes away the roadblock that was stopping me from getting started.

So, the roadblock has been up for blogging. Hence, why no blogs in awhile. Well, I have to keep telling myself that my blog can be shit and that's ok. Cindy...just blog. Always a work in progress.

This Morning, I Cried.

And it felt so good! Crying has always been something that has not come easily for me. The only time I cried growing up was out of frustration. I don't ever recall crying out of sadness or joy. I remember watching "Where the Red Fern Grows" in Middle School. All the girls were crying at the end and I was a stone. There wasn't even a hint that I wanted to cry.

I have realized how much my anxiety has put up walls for me. I work so hard to keep myself under control that I keep everything under control. I am just surviving. Trying to keep it together, keep focused on the task at hand. All the while, the joys of everyday life pass me by.

With my anxiety under control, I really started to experience the great range of emotions. From great sadness to great joy. Over the last six weeks, as my anxiety has been high, I had returned to survival mode. No tears, for joy or sadness.

As we started tweeking my meds a couple of weeks ago, the emotions started to come back. Ahhh, how I have missed you. So, this morning I cried. The tears were initially out of sadness. I am starting an organic gardening class tonight. My cousins, Mike, who was killed two years ago was an organic farmer. As I was thinking about the class starting, I started to think about Mike and the tears started to flow. As they flowed, I started to realize how little I cried anymore. The last time was on Mike's birthday a couple of weeks ago.

Crying had been a near daily occurrence for me. In a good way! It meant I was feeling and experiencing life. They were not tears of depression, just an expression of myself. I would hear a sappy song, read something in the paper, see something beautiful, grateful for the life God has given me. It wasn't until this morning that I realized I had not been doing that.

The tears of sadness then became tears of joy. Joy for feeling again. Joy that my anxiety is getting back until control and I am feeling like myself again. Joy that I am beginning my gardening class and joy of being reminded of Mike.

Feeling Better

"The only true comparison we can make is with ourselves." Maybe the experience I had this week was to remind me of how far I've come. I am feeling much better but still trying to wrap my head around what happened. It was a reminder of where I have come from and how bad things were at points in my life. The feelings of despair, hopelessness, pessimism and I couldn't write it before...but suicidal ideation. (No need to worry for my safety, they're just thoughts, no intention to act.)

Those were pervasive feelings for me for many months. As I dealt with divorce, quitting smoking, financial crisis and my cousin's death. I remember thinking... What's the point??? Why was I put on this earth? I felt so completely out of control. I could accept that I didn't have control over many things in my life. What was so hard after I quit smoking was that I didn't even feel like I had control over myself. My emotions were all over the place. I so struggled to just feel at ease.

The last six months have been so wonderful in that I finally felt like I had control over myself again. I was pursuing my dreams and living my purpose. I have felt like "ME".

Thankfully...those feelings did pass. It was only a few days this time instead of months. I have a greater appreciation for where I've been and where I'm going.

I Had Forgotten...

The last two days have been pretty scary for me. Before I go into that, I need to give a little background first.

I haven't really talked much about meds. At various times over the last 10 years I have tried various medications to manage my mood. I hadn't had a lot of success but I hit another mood crisis about six months ago and decided to try again. I have a good / knowledgeable support system in both my husband and my healthcare provider. The meds this time have been wonderful. I have felt better than I ever have. I've gotten the benefit from them that I needed without unacceptable side-effects. The problem is, after about 5-6 weeks on a dose, the effects start to wear off. So, we increase my dose. Again, I feel great for about 5-6 weeks, then my anxiety starts to go up again. I hit a point a couple of weeks ago when we decided my dose was now too high and we lowered it.

The last two days have brought back feelings I have not felt in over six months. Frustration, despair, hopelessness, pessimism, anger, resentment, lack of empathy etc. Fuck! I had forgotten how this felt and it sucks. It is really scary to be back here. My husband and I had a long talk about it last night. Poor guy...he thought he had done something. Nope, just me! We have come up with a plan and I'm feeling a little better today. Hence, why I am able to write about it.

I'm really hoping "This too shall pass". But then again, I'm not feeling real hopeful right now.

Shouldn't I know better?

There have many times in my life that I have wanted to change. To do something that I knew was in my best interest. I wanted to lose weight, exercise more, quit smoking etc. The reason to do these things was clear. I can go through the list of the positive benefits: feel better, look better, more energy, live longer, smaller global footprint. The list of negatives to making these changes, hmm...... can't think of any. So what stops me?

For me, I had to look at what I was getting out of not changing. Smoking made me feel better emotionally and mentally. I felt serene after a cigarette, the world seemed manageable. My mind was clear, I able to focus and organize better. It's been over 3 years since my last cigarette, the nicotine has long since left my system. Serenity is still something I wish just "came naturally" to me. In fact, serenity is quite elusive. Damn you Serenity!!! Ok, so I now have that episode of Seinfeld in my head. The one where George's Dad is screaming "Serenity Now!" I digress...

There were a lot of reasons to quit.

1) The obvious...it's gross.

2) It bothered the people around me.

3) Shortened my lifespan.

4) Expensive ($4/day, $1460/year)

5) It controlled my life. I needed a cigarette every two hours. Pretty inconvenient at times.

6) Lost productivity. This is one I could argue because I was actually more alert, focused and calm after a cigarette.

7) I coughed a lot

8) My mouth tasted like shit every morning.

9) I smelled bad, my car smelled bad.

10) My boyfriend complained about kissing me.

11) Although I mentally felt alert, I was physically tired, low energy.

The list could go on and on. My point is that the negatives clearly out weigh the positives. Seems like a slam dunk decision...you would think.

What did it take to quit? For me the primary motivation in quitting was that I felt like crap. Physically I mean. This motivation would only get me so far.

What did it take to stay quit? I had to find a (healthy) way of getting the same feeling I got from smoking.

Staying quit had NOTHING to do with "knowing better". I knew all too well the negatives of smoking. That's the thing about addictions. My inability to quit was not a moral short falling, it wasn't bad parenting, it wasn't lack of education of the dangers of smoking, it wasn't that I didn't care of myself and others. The bottom line is I needed to calm the chaos that was going on inside of me.

Happiness is...

For me the answer is ACCEPTANCE. There is so much peace in acceptance. When I am at place of acceptance, no matter what it going on; good or bad I can be at peace with it.

To get to our home, we have to drive up into the foothills. If you like winding roads, it's a fun drive. :-) I was driving home yesterday and I got behind a slow driver. My first thought was "SHIT!", there goes my fun drive home. Then I had a moment of perspective. I was able to look at the situation a little different and thought "Today, I am going to slow down and enjoy the drive from a slow speed." Instead of fighting reality and wishing things were different, I was able to be at peace with how things actually were.

I have spent a lot of my life fighting the desire to be different that what I am, always feeling inadequate. I thought to accommodate for my weaknesses was to fail or to be lazy. If I allowed myself accommodations, I wasn't trying hard enough. Bullshit, life is challenging enough as is, why do we keep making things even harder?

I have weaknesses, I'm not good at everything. I can let go of focusing in on what I'm not good at and focus on what I am good at. I accept that and I have never been happier.

Roadblocks

All my life I have felt like I have had to work really hard to do anything. There always seemed to be roadblocks in my way. I had great ideas, the best of intentions but I struggled to follow the intention with action. Does that make any sense???

Once I quit smoking and started treating my anxiety in earnest, the roadblocks started to go away. It was a strange concept for me but suddenly I would think of something to do and I would do it. It used to be that I would think of something, think that I won't be able to do it the the way it "should" be done and so I wouldn't even try. If I did do it, it took a whole lot of "mustering" to get it done and I put it off as long as I could.

A friend pointed out that this was a form of perfectionism. I was like "I don't think so. I am a lazy procrastinator. That is far from a perfectionist.". He explained further..."You envision how you think something should be done, the perfect way it should be done. You then decide that you will not be able to accomplish it perfectly so you don't do it.". Ahhhh, light bulb moment!!!

I am so grateful for the smart people I have in my life!

Transitions

Smoking was a "transition" for me. Something to fill in the gap between activities. When I woke up in the morning; I got out of bed, grabbed a Diet Pepsi and went outside and had a cigarette. When I finished eating, I smoked. When I finished dusting, I smoked then I moved onto vacuuming.

The transition I still struggle with, three and half years later is when I don't know what to do next. It's not that I lack things to do, I just don't know what I want to start on next. Tonight, I finished working on a project that I had been working on for most of the weekend. As I sat on the couch, I thought "this would be a good time for a cigarette". Smoking a cigarette was a "transition", a chance to take a deep breath, clear my head, and ponder my options. By the time I finished the cigarette, I usually would have it figured out what I would do next.

After I quit, the worst transition time was when I would first get home from work. I would stand in my kitchen and think "now what?". Again, I had lots that needed to be done but I just couldn't quite get going. Something was missing.

I needed to find a new transition. This is still a work in progress. Like dealing with my anxiety, I have to have a "bag of tricks". Get a drink of water, go to the bathroom, knit, sit and stare, read a magazine. Tonight, I took a shower. When I got out, my husband looked at me confused and asked why I took a shower. I said something witty but the reality is I needed a transition. By the time I got out of the shower, I knew what I was going to do next and a blog post was born.

Feeling Alone

One of the things that I know that was to my advantage when I quit smoking was that I lived alone. Unfortunately, when I quit smoking I also withdrew into isolation. I really struggled to be around other people. This was really confusing for me. I have always been a "people person". After I quit smoking, I dreaded the thought of chit chatting with anyone. I would think...please no small talk, please.

At the time, I didn't understand why. I knew just being around people was uncomfortable. I dreaded it. Not just in social situations but things like grocery shopping. I used to shop at Wal-Mart but I found myself gravitating towards the smaller, local grocery stores. I was in survival mode and I didn't have the energy or mental clarity to figure out why this was going on. I just wanted to get in, get out and go home. My home was my haven. It was quiet, dark and I didn't have to talk to anyone.

The other frustration is no one seemed to understand what I was going through. I mean...no one. I tried to talk to my friends. They would say, "Ohhh...you miss smoking". I was like..."No, I miss how it made me feel. I miss the sense of calm, of being in control of myself". They all looked at me kinda blank.

I even tried going to Alcoholic Anonymous (AA) meetings. I was an addict after all. But it just didn't feel right. I didn't relate to them either.

My boyfriend and I had only been dating a few months, still very early in our relationship. He was very supportive and encouraging but we didn't have that level of trust yet. I wasn't ready to be that vulnerable with him.

I am still looking for that community. Of people who relate to me. I started the blog in hopes of developing that community. I would love to hear anyone's thoughts...good or bad! Tell me I'm an idiot, it's ok. I've been called worse :)

Planting Seeds

I love the concept of "planting seeds". My path to making some dramatic changes came from someone planting a seed. I had a friend point out (in a loving way) an area in my life that was dysfunctional. I wasn't ready to confront the issue at the time but the seed was planted. He didn't bring the subject up again. As the dysfunction became a larger and larger problem, his voice would pop in my head. When things got bad enough, I knew where to turn. The seed he planted gave me hope.

It would take several more years until I went back to this friend and said two words... "I'm ready". Although we had not talked about it again since that original conversation, he knew exactly what I was talking about. We both started to cry...

Don't underestimate the power of planting seeds.

Shouldn't I be "over" this?

Several months after quitting, I started thinking..."Shouldn't I be over this? It's been THREE months since I smoked my last cigarette". I keep thinking this over the next six months. I kept hoping for my mind to clear, for my energy level to come back. I was just in this fog. I was going through the motions in life. And barely getting through that. I would get home and think "Please God, let tomorrow be better".

The answer was no, I shouldn't be over this. Honestly...it was nine months before I started to have a glimpse of coming out of the "fog". I don't say that to discourage anyone. In fact, I am hoping it will do just the opposite. Just because you still feel like shit, doesn't mean your doing anything "wrong". Quitting smoking is a bitch. And no...in a few months you won't be "over it". But it does get better.

I really wish I could have just taken a sabbatical while I quit. I wish I could have gone to a deserted island for nine months. To get throught the "crazies". But that isn't reality. I am very aware that I had it easier than most. I was newly divorced, no kids, had a job that required minimal interaction with people and my co-workers were sooo supportive (thanks MHH!) . I was in a long distance relationship with a man who was very understanding and supportive. By being able to talk through the "crazies" with him, he was able to help me understand the "logic" of what I was going through. That, in fact, I wasn't crazy.

I had to give myself "a break", cut myself "some slack". I had to focus on "one day at time". It does get better and it is worth it. Go easy on yourself.

The Power of Vulnerability

I just watched this amazing lecture from Brene Brown on The Power of Vulnerability. Wow...She explains so eloquently and humorously what I feel. She has done a great job of explaining how we can move forward in this world to live with peace with ourselves and others.

A Few Thoughts on "God"

I have avoided making many references to "God" in my blog thus far. Mostly, I don't want to turn anyone off. I don't belong to any religion but I do have a deep faith in God. Most simply stated, I am spiritual. I am on no mission to have you believe what I believe. The God of my understanding allows us all to believe in our own way. It's even ok with me if you don't believe.

Perfectly Imperfect

I have wasted so much time trying to be perfect and more often not even trying because I knew I wouldn't be perfect. I have spent so much of my life uncomfortable in my own skin. Trying to be someone I thought I was supposed to be or should be. I thought I was supposed to have all the answers, know exactly how to react / respond in all situations. If I didn't, I was a failure.

Our culture is so focused on perfection and "fitting in". If we don't fit some pre-conceived mold, there is something "wrong" with us. I'm not perfect nor will I ever be. But I am... Perfectly Imperfect. I do the best I can. I make mistakes but hopefully I learn from them. I will make amends when necessary. I will never know all the answers.

Don't you remember thinking someday... when you "grow up", everything will be great??? Hell, I don't know if I will ever "grow up". Whatever that means. I was talking to a friend about an interaction I had with a child that hurt my feelings and she said. "Well... you're the adult. you can't show your hurt." At first I agreed and then I thought, why can't I show that I'm hurt? You don't quit getting hurt or struggling when you "grow up". Life is always going to have ups and downs, I am going to continue to make mistakes and guess what... IT"S OK!!!

I have found the most happiness in life when I'm at peace with it. No matter where I am at. Things can be really shitty but that's just where things are at. I can choose to be miserable during the shitty times or I can accept that things are shitty and have faith that it won't last forever. I am the person I am and I have the life that I have (which I LOVE) because of everything I have gone through. My struggles, my mistakes, my hurts all allow me to appreciate the little things.

I had to change my mindset as to what I thought I was aspiring to in life. It is not about achieving perfection. For me, it is about aspiring to live each day as the God of my understanding intends me to live it. I will do my best to help others without losing myself. To achieve a life of Perfect Imperfection.

Where am I Rushing Too?

I just heard a new song from Darius Rucker "This". The chorus really stuck with me... "For every stoplight I didn't make...Thank God for all I missed cause it led me here to this."

I have always been in a rush. Everything I did seemed to have a sense of urgency to it, a need to be efficient. I lived for what was next, not where I was. I am so grateful today to live in the present. To realize that missed stoplights are not a bad thing. That pause in my day could have a purpose. Even if it is to just stop and take a deep breath. Now when I find myself rushing, I stop and think...is it really necessary?

What Other People Think of Me is None of My Business

This is another one of those life lessons that I have a love / hate relationship with. I know it's true but remembering it and putting it into practice is another thing. When others are unhappy with me, I want so desperately to explain myself, to justify my actions. To have them understand why I did / said what I did. I hate to not have people "like" me.

I used to think that if I felt uncomfortable feelings: anger, sadness, hurt that there was something "wrong" and I needed to fix it. But sometimes those feelings are there and are a necessary part of life. I used to think that they could not co-exist with love. But in building a loving / trusting relationship we must be honest with those with love. Even if it means we cause hurt (or are hurt). The important thing to remember is the intent is not to hurt but it is part of the process.

When I am in conflict with another I have to take a hard look at myself and my actions. Do I have any regrets? Was my motive in the right place? Once I am at peace with my actions, I must let the situation go.

It is during these times, when I want to; act, resolve, figure out, that I lean on my faith. When I am asked what my religion is, I always pause. I have no emotional tie to any religion so my answer is always "spiritual". I have an deep faith in God but it was not borne from anything I was taught in a church. Don't get me wrong, I have learned some wonderful things in churches but not faith. There is a plan and I am quite certain it is better than mine. Life has proven that to me over and over.

So, what does this have to do with smoking? Everything. Smoking was my coping mechanism. I avoided many feelings by smoking. Once I quit, I had to go about life another way. I had to learn how to live with my feelings, to live with discomfort.