One of the things that I know that was to my advantage when I quit smoking was that I lived alone. Unfortunately, when I quit smoking I also withdrew into isolation. I really struggled to be around other people. This was really confusing for me. I have always been a "people person". After I quit smoking, I dreaded the thought of chit chatting with anyone. I would think...please no small talk, please.
At the time, I didn't understand why. I knew just being around people was uncomfortable. I dreaded it. Not just in social situations but things like grocery shopping. I used to shop at Wal-Mart but I found myself gravitating towards the smaller, local grocery stores. I was in survival mode and I didn't have the energy or mental clarity to figure out why this was going on. I just wanted to get in, get out and go home. My home was my haven. It was quiet, dark and I didn't have to talk to anyone.
The other frustration is no one seemed to understand what I was going through. I mean...no one. I tried to talk to my friends. They would say, "Ohhh...you miss smoking". I was like..."No, I miss how it made me feel. I miss the sense of calm, of being in control of myself". They all looked at me kinda blank.
I even tried going to Alcoholic Anonymous (AA) meetings. I was an addict after all. But it just didn't feel right. I didn't relate to them either.
My boyfriend and I had only been dating a few months, still very early in our relationship. He was very supportive and encouraging but we didn't have that level of trust yet. I wasn't ready to be that vulnerable with him.
I am still looking for that community. Of people who relate to me. I started the blog in hopes of developing that community. I would love to hear anyone's thoughts...good or bad! Tell me I'm an idiot, it's ok. I've been called worse :)
Hi Cindy,
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate your honesty about why quitting is so difficult. I quit 2.5 years ago and I still miss how great it made me feel. A smoke could solve any problem (temporarily, of course), make me feel better no matter what was going on, make life feel beautiful and meaningful and exciting and fun. Now I don't have anything like that, it's just one gray day after another. In truth, the only thing that keeps me from smoking again is the fact that if I start again, I'll just have to quit again.
Thank you so much for your honest comment. I empathize with your gray feelings. I am so grateful I kept trudging through each day. Something deep inside told me it was going to get better, and it did. I have a mental clarity today that I didn't even have when I was smoking. The thought of quitting again give me chills. I could go through 10 divorces but I couldn't quit smoking again.
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