The Stopping and the Starting

I spent 16 months stopping and starting smoking. I would quit anywhere from 1 day to 10 days. I had one stretch when I quit for 3 months. Just as important as figuring out how to stop smoking was figuring out why I kept starting again. That was going to be the secret to staying quit.

10 days of staying quit was pretty average for me. For the first couple of days, the hardest part was the routine of smoking. The transitions were the worst. Moving from one activity to another. Those were the times when I would always stop for a smoke. Waking up in the morning, after eating, getting in my car, getting home from work (yes, even though I had just had a cigarette in the car on the way home), moving from dusting to vacuuming etc. It was all part of the "routine", the "habit" of smoking. During those transitional time, I spent a lot of time laying on the couch, staring at the ceiling. That became my transition.

After those first couple of days, I would start to physically feel better. The cough would subside, I would have more energy, my throat wouldn't hurt, my breathing was better. I would head to gym and feel a "burn" in my chest. A healthy burn this time. I would think..."WOW, I feel great. I can do this!", as I was plugging away on the elliptical. I was happy. If I could just maintain this feeling, I could succeed at anything.

My physical and mental well being were in balance. This feeling of everything being right with the world would last about a week. "Why couldn't I hold onto this???" Unfortunately, my "happiness" would turn into "elation", "euphoria". Oh, this must be the "nicotine craving" I read about. Deep Breathes...isn't that what I read to do. Five minutes and it will pass. Five minutes, my ass. This would go on for hours. I was in a panic. I would be pacing around my house, I would go for a run, I would drink a glass of wine, I would clean, I would lay on the couch. My mind was racing. "MAKE IT STOP!!!" Next thing I knew I would be in the car, driving to the convenience store to buy a pack of smokes. I don't really remember making the conscious decision to smoke. I was on auto pilot.

The first cigarette was heaven. As my mind would clear, the realization of what I had done sunk in. "Shit!!!" I started again. The guilt, the remorse.

"Fuck it! I guess I am just meant to be a smoker." So, smoke I did. Unfortunately, after the first pack, I started to physically feel like crap again. I was reminded of why I wanted to quit in the first place. Within a couple of days I was resolved to quit again.

So, this was my routine. I went through this over 50 times over the next 16 months. Each time, learning something else about success and failure.