"The Heart of Addiction"

"The Heart of Addiction: How psychology drives addictive behavior" Here is a series of Blog posts from the magazine, Psychology Today. Lance Dodes, MD goes into the myths behind addiction and that it is about far more than the physical addiction to the "drug". I wish I had read his book before I started to quit smoking!

Too Much Energy

I know, I know...your thinking, no such thing. For me though, it can be a big problem.

There are problems to having too much energy. First, I am totally unproductive. My mind starts to race, I think of all the things I want to do, accomplish but then it gets away from me. I become over-whelmed and I shut down. I sit on the couch and stare, thinking of all the things I "should" be doing. My mind is cluttered, disorganized, unfocused. This is when I would smoke. After a cigarette, my mind would slow down and I would be able to focus again. Now that I don't smoke, I had to figure out another way of slowing my mind down. Even three and half years after quitting, it's still something that I struggle with daily.

Second, I become irritable and reactive (think lethal PMS). I can only keep a lid on it for so long, then I blow. My husband is a saint! I am am so thankful for his patience and our ability to communicate. I can tell him "Honey, I think it's best to give me some space".

When I feel myself "escalating", the first thing I do is look around and see what things around me are contributing to my level of arousal: light, sound, touch. I turn down the lights, shut off the TV, computer, radio etc. Is there a fan blowing? A fluorescent light humming? Ear plugs are a godsend. I have learned to not even try to wear clothes that aren't comfortable. Ideally, if I can just sit in a quiet / dark room for 10 minutes, it's enough to calm me down. I come out feeling calm and refreshed, like I just took a nap even though I didn't sleep. Unfortunately, that is not always an option.

Other times, I need to do something more. I have a bag of self-calming tricks (not listed in any particular order) that I use. Go for a walk, take a shower, knit, drink alcohol, take a Xanax, eat, pet my dogs, neurofeedback, drink a cup of (non-caffeinated) tea, say the Serenity Prayer. Obviously, some of these are healthier options than others. I try to use the less healthy options sparingly but there are times that it best for everyone that I use them.

These are the times that I sooo miss smoking. I miss the instant calm it gave me. I didn't need "self-calming strategies" or a "bag of tricks". I just needed a smoke. It was sooo much easier.

Good Things Happen to Good People

There are have been several "turning points" in my life. Interactions with people that have made a profound influence on my life.

I was working at a physical therapy job that for many reasons was not a good fit. I was still married to my first husband and life was not going real well (early 2005). Although, if you had asked me at the time, I'm not sure I could have told you that. I was truly just going through the motions, trying to get through the day. It was a point in my life when I couldn't wait until Friday but then when Friday came, I couldn't wait until Monday.

I had quit this job and it was my last day, my last patient of the day. Keith and I were the only ones left in the clinic. Keith was not one of "my patients", I was seeing him for another therapist. We knew each other but not at all well. We hadn't talked about anything of significance during the session. As he was leaving, halfway out the door. He paused and said to me "Good Things Happen to Good People" and walked out the door.

I still cry when I think about this story. Why he said that, I may never know. The sad part is...I didn't know I was "good people". I didn't think I deserved "good things". But, Keith got me thinking...maybe I was "good people" and I deserved "good things". He planted a seed in me that would take awhile to grow, but grow it did. A few months later, I started making some dramatic changes in my life and withing the year, I was divorced.

I may never get to thank Keith directly, but I hope Karma shines upon him.

Logic or Excuse?

I was working as a PT in Home Health and was taking an elderly woman for a walk in her neighborhood. One of her neighbor's home always had a bunch of cars at it. I asked her about it and she explained that a large extended family all shared the home. She said very matter of fact "They live differently than I do." There was no judgement in her statement. When I find myself being judgmental, I think of her.

One of the things I have struggled with is the idea of "logic" vs. "excuse". When I explain why I smoked, do you hear "logic" or "excuse"? What's the difference? For me, understanding the logic is understanding where some else is coming from, understanding the why of something. It's looking at things from another point of view. This concept has been instrumental in my growth as a person and in relationships. In our "nose to the grindstone" culture though, I think sometimes giving a "logic" is perceiving as giving an excuse.

When I understand the "logic", I am better able to be empathetic. With my anxiety, I tend to ruminate, to obsess. One of the things I can obsess about is when someone does / behaves in a way that is "Not what I would do". I have found it helpful to dig deeper and find out (or even just take some guesses) why they may do what they do. It helps to stop the obsessing and accept the situation for what it is and not try to change it.

When I understand the logic, I am in a much better position to be supportive and as needed, helpful.

A Woman's Struggle with Postpartum Depression

Here is an article from a mom in the UK who has a great message. Click Here

Smoking Cessation with Vets and PTSD

I just found an article from the VA on smoking cessation. They found higher quit rates when they addressed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) symptoms concurrent with traditional smoking cessation. Yeah!!! This is what I'm talking about. The core treatment for PTSD is reducing reactive irritability, stress management, anti-anxiety / anti-depression medication etc. Treatment is not short lived and is best done intensively, over a period of time.

This is a start.

Missing the Boat

There is an article in USA Today about smoking and it's harmful effects. The article goes into great detail about how bad smoking is, how much is costs healthcare and how the tobacco companies have made smoking more appealing. I don't disagree with any of it. But...again, nothing about why people really smoke.

Smoking is AWFUL!!! I knew it was bad for me. I've seen all the nasty pictures. As a healthcare worker, I have worked with people DYING from smoking, struggling to get their next breath. But I did it anyway.

I was discussing the new ad campaign with a fellow former smoker. He thought it was a good idea. He said seeing a nasty picture got him to quit...for six months. The current anti-smoking campaigns, I believe, accomplishes two things. First, keeps some kids from ever starting. Secondly, gets people to quit smoking. BUT...Quitting is only the first step. STAYING quit is where the shit hits the fan. Where is the information to help accomplish that???

Instead, the information I had was that I needed to put on a patch and if I had a nicotine craving, I needed to take a deep breath. Give it five minutes, it will pass. It really upsets me the lack of comprehension and more importantly acceptance of what we are dealing with. This is not about a moral short-falling or lack of information. I am not a bad or stupid person because I smoked. I was desperate to calm my anxiety and smoking was my solution.

Irritable Nervous System

I now understood that I had anxiety or better described as an "irritable nervous system". The anxiety is not because I was withdrawing from nicotine (a part was but in fact a small part). I was like this before I started smoking. Looking back at my life, I have always used something to self-calm. This is one of those huge misconceptions that I want to dispel. It's not about just getting over the addiction to nicotine, or "withdrawls". Months after I inhaled my last cigarette, I was still having anxiety. My system had long gotten past the withdrawls.

The thing I like about the term "irritable nervous system" is that it gives me a better visual as to what is going on. My nervous system is irritated, hypersensitive. I am much more aware of and prone to have a heightened response to sensory input (Light, sound, touch, taste etc.). With that now understood, I now needed to do two things.

First was to decrease the sensory input in my environment. Especially light and sound. I found that I felt much better when my house quiet and lights turned low. If I tried to open the blinds or turn on the radio, I would feel my anxiety increase. When I would shut them off, I would immediately feel relief. It was a very fascinating experience.

The second thing I needed to do was to decrease my bodies response to my environment. This is what nicotine / smoking did for me. Now I needed to figure out a way to do it for myself. I knew medication was an option but I wasn't ready to go down that road. In desperation, I tried a form of biofeedback, called neurofeedback. At the time, I had no idea what is was or what it was supposed to do. All I knew was I felt better after doing it, a lot better. It came as close to how I felt after smoking as anything did.

This became the focus of my life. I really don't think I could have quit otherwise. I quite literally withdrew from the world for 9 months after my last cigarette. I am completely aware of what a luxury this was for me to be able to do this. I was essentially single (my relationship was long distance), my job was low stress but paid well, no kids. It makes me understand how some people truly can't quit.

A Political Cartoon

Please click the link: Steve Breen on Creators.com - A Syndicate Of Talent

This political cartoon just made me laugh. There is a lot to be said about reverse psychology.

It's a "Cindy" Problem

So the headline in the paper today is... "761 arrests, big seizure didn't curb drug trade... After 40 years and $1 trillion, the US and Mexico continue to fight a losing battle". I don't know much about economics but I do understand basic supply and demand. As long as there is a demand...people will continue fill the supply. The problem is not with drugs, it's the people who take them. Help them and demand will decrease.

My smoking problem wasn't a smoking problem it was a Cindy problem. Smoking was just my solution. I needed to find another solution. Now that I realized that my fight was not with the cigarette but with myself, a new fear arose. Addiction transference. Would I just become addicted to something else? Would I just replace smoking with another vice: food, alcohol, shopping??? It reiterated my desire that I had to get to the root of the problem and not just put a band aid on it.

So, the obvious solution was I had to learn how to relax. The next several months I supplemented my current cessation regime (mostly just the patch) with relaxation techniques. This included deep breathing, exercise, decreasing the sensory stimulation in my environment ( noise, light etc), less caffeine, hot baths, decreasing work load etc. I had a renewed sense of focus.

It wasn't enough. I kept starting again. I don't like to let my mind wander back those times that led to starting again. It is unpleasant and I keep thinking I should be embarrassed to reveal this but I'm not. It's just the truth. My mind would start spinning, heart racing. I had all this energy. But it was scattered, unfocused. I kept thinking deep breathes, exercise harder! Give it five minutes and it will pass. I let myself scream, throw things, jump up and down (the stories my dogs could tell). I even let myself drink too much, it would help but the spinning wouldn't stop.

Ultimately, autopilot would kick in and I would drive to Maverick to buy a pack of smokes. RELIEF!!! The sweet feel of the smoke burning my throat, filling my lungs, my mind and body reclaiming peace.