Uppers and Downers

The world is full of uppers and downers. No, I'm not talking about illegal drugs, although they do fit into those categories. I'm talking about things we encounter or do everyday. There are things that bring you "up": coffee, laughter, music with a fast beat, lights etc. There are things that brings you "down": quiet, darkness, soothing music, alcohol. They can be different for one person than another. As I progressed through my time quitting smoking, I started to become more sensitive to these things. I started to realize that it was the "ups" that were what drew me back to smoking. This didn't make any sense to me. In my mind, nicotine was an "upper".

It is interesting how certain conversations stick with you and make a lasting impression. I was talking to a friend (a fellow smoker) in college about smoking. I was still a pretty casual smoker but I remember telling him that I found smoking relaxing. He had a shocked look on his face and said that smoking energized him. Blindly, I thought "well, he must be right". From then on, I thought I smoked because I was tired, lethargic. This blind faith is a whole other issue, but again, this was my reality. I trusted someone else to tell me how I felt.

It never again crossed my mind that I smoked to relax. That is, until I stopped. But even then, I had to go through several cycles of stopping and starting before I started to grasp the concept of smoking to relax. Not to say that there weren't occasions that I smoked as an "upper". But, by and large, I smoked to relax. That is how talented nicotine is. It can serve as both an "upper" and "downer". This is the beast with which I struggle with. The struggle I still have today is how do I stay in the middle.