Planting Seeds

I love the concept of "planting seeds". My path to making some dramatic changes came from someone planting a seed. I had a friend point out (in a loving way) an area in my life that was dysfunctional. I wasn't ready to confront the issue at the time but the seed was planted. He didn't bring the subject up again. As the dysfunction became a larger and larger problem, his voice would pop in my head. When things got bad enough, I knew where to turn. The seed he planted gave me hope.

It would take several more years until I went back to this friend and said two words... "I'm ready". Although we had not talked about it again since that original conversation, he knew exactly what I was talking about. We both started to cry...

Don't underestimate the power of planting seeds.

Shouldn't I be "over" this?

Several months after quitting, I started thinking..."Shouldn't I be over this? It's been THREE months since I smoked my last cigarette". I keep thinking this over the next six months. I kept hoping for my mind to clear, for my energy level to come back. I was just in this fog. I was going through the motions in life. And barely getting through that. I would get home and think "Please God, let tomorrow be better".

The answer was no, I shouldn't be over this. Honestly...it was nine months before I started to have a glimpse of coming out of the "fog". I don't say that to discourage anyone. In fact, I am hoping it will do just the opposite. Just because you still feel like shit, doesn't mean your doing anything "wrong". Quitting smoking is a bitch. And no...in a few months you won't be "over it". But it does get better.

I really wish I could have just taken a sabbatical while I quit. I wish I could have gone to a deserted island for nine months. To get throught the "crazies". But that isn't reality. I am very aware that I had it easier than most. I was newly divorced, no kids, had a job that required minimal interaction with people and my co-workers were sooo supportive (thanks MHH!) . I was in a long distance relationship with a man who was very understanding and supportive. By being able to talk through the "crazies" with him, he was able to help me understand the "logic" of what I was going through. That, in fact, I wasn't crazy.

I had to give myself "a break", cut myself "some slack". I had to focus on "one day at time". It does get better and it is worth it. Go easy on yourself.

The Power of Vulnerability

I just watched this amazing lecture from Brene Brown on The Power of Vulnerability. Wow...She explains so eloquently and humorously what I feel. She has done a great job of explaining how we can move forward in this world to live with peace with ourselves and others.

A Few Thoughts on "God"

I have avoided making many references to "God" in my blog thus far. Mostly, I don't want to turn anyone off. I don't belong to any religion but I do have a deep faith in God. Most simply stated, I am spiritual. I am on no mission to have you believe what I believe. The God of my understanding allows us all to believe in our own way. It's even ok with me if you don't believe.

Perfectly Imperfect

I have wasted so much time trying to be perfect and more often not even trying because I knew I wouldn't be perfect. I have spent so much of my life uncomfortable in my own skin. Trying to be someone I thought I was supposed to be or should be. I thought I was supposed to have all the answers, know exactly how to react / respond in all situations. If I didn't, I was a failure.

Our culture is so focused on perfection and "fitting in". If we don't fit some pre-conceived mold, there is something "wrong" with us. I'm not perfect nor will I ever be. But I am... Perfectly Imperfect. I do the best I can. I make mistakes but hopefully I learn from them. I will make amends when necessary. I will never know all the answers.

Don't you remember thinking someday... when you "grow up", everything will be great??? Hell, I don't know if I will ever "grow up". Whatever that means. I was talking to a friend about an interaction I had with a child that hurt my feelings and she said. "Well... you're the adult. you can't show your hurt." At first I agreed and then I thought, why can't I show that I'm hurt? You don't quit getting hurt or struggling when you "grow up". Life is always going to have ups and downs, I am going to continue to make mistakes and guess what... IT"S OK!!!

I have found the most happiness in life when I'm at peace with it. No matter where I am at. Things can be really shitty but that's just where things are at. I can choose to be miserable during the shitty times or I can accept that things are shitty and have faith that it won't last forever. I am the person I am and I have the life that I have (which I LOVE) because of everything I have gone through. My struggles, my mistakes, my hurts all allow me to appreciate the little things.

I had to change my mindset as to what I thought I was aspiring to in life. It is not about achieving perfection. For me, it is about aspiring to live each day as the God of my understanding intends me to live it. I will do my best to help others without losing myself. To achieve a life of Perfect Imperfection.

Where am I Rushing Too?

I just heard a new song from Darius Rucker "This". The chorus really stuck with me... "For every stoplight I didn't make...Thank God for all I missed cause it led me here to this."

I have always been in a rush. Everything I did seemed to have a sense of urgency to it, a need to be efficient. I lived for what was next, not where I was. I am so grateful today to live in the present. To realize that missed stoplights are not a bad thing. That pause in my day could have a purpose. Even if it is to just stop and take a deep breath. Now when I find myself rushing, I stop and think...is it really necessary?

What Other People Think of Me is None of My Business

This is another one of those life lessons that I have a love / hate relationship with. I know it's true but remembering it and putting it into practice is another thing. When others are unhappy with me, I want so desperately to explain myself, to justify my actions. To have them understand why I did / said what I did. I hate to not have people "like" me.

I used to think that if I felt uncomfortable feelings: anger, sadness, hurt that there was something "wrong" and I needed to fix it. But sometimes those feelings are there and are a necessary part of life. I used to think that they could not co-exist with love. But in building a loving / trusting relationship we must be honest with those with love. Even if it means we cause hurt (or are hurt). The important thing to remember is the intent is not to hurt but it is part of the process.

When I am in conflict with another I have to take a hard look at myself and my actions. Do I have any regrets? Was my motive in the right place? Once I am at peace with my actions, I must let the situation go.

It is during these times, when I want to; act, resolve, figure out, that I lean on my faith. When I am asked what my religion is, I always pause. I have no emotional tie to any religion so my answer is always "spiritual". I have an deep faith in God but it was not borne from anything I was taught in a church. Don't get me wrong, I have learned some wonderful things in churches but not faith. There is a plan and I am quite certain it is better than mine. Life has proven that to me over and over.

So, what does this have to do with smoking? Everything. Smoking was my coping mechanism. I avoided many feelings by smoking. Once I quit, I had to go about life another way. I had to learn how to live with my feelings, to live with discomfort.