A Few Thoughts on "God"

I have avoided making many references to "God" in my blog thus far. Mostly, I don't want to turn anyone off. I don't belong to any religion but I do have a deep faith in God. Most simply stated, I am spiritual. I am on no mission to have you believe what I believe. The God of my understanding allows us all to believe in our own way. It's even ok with me if you don't believe.

Perfectly Imperfect

I have wasted so much time trying to be perfect and more often not even trying because I knew I wouldn't be perfect. I have spent so much of my life uncomfortable in my own skin. Trying to be someone I thought I was supposed to be or should be. I thought I was supposed to have all the answers, know exactly how to react / respond in all situations. If I didn't, I was a failure.

Our culture is so focused on perfection and "fitting in". If we don't fit some pre-conceived mold, there is something "wrong" with us. I'm not perfect nor will I ever be. But I am... Perfectly Imperfect. I do the best I can. I make mistakes but hopefully I learn from them. I will make amends when necessary. I will never know all the answers.

Don't you remember thinking someday... when you "grow up", everything will be great??? Hell, I don't know if I will ever "grow up". Whatever that means. I was talking to a friend about an interaction I had with a child that hurt my feelings and she said. "Well... you're the adult. you can't show your hurt." At first I agreed and then I thought, why can't I show that I'm hurt? You don't quit getting hurt or struggling when you "grow up". Life is always going to have ups and downs, I am going to continue to make mistakes and guess what... IT"S OK!!!

I have found the most happiness in life when I'm at peace with it. No matter where I am at. Things can be really shitty but that's just where things are at. I can choose to be miserable during the shitty times or I can accept that things are shitty and have faith that it won't last forever. I am the person I am and I have the life that I have (which I LOVE) because of everything I have gone through. My struggles, my mistakes, my hurts all allow me to appreciate the little things.

I had to change my mindset as to what I thought I was aspiring to in life. It is not about achieving perfection. For me, it is about aspiring to live each day as the God of my understanding intends me to live it. I will do my best to help others without losing myself. To achieve a life of Perfect Imperfection.

Where am I Rushing Too?

I just heard a new song from Darius Rucker "This". The chorus really stuck with me... "For every stoplight I didn't make...Thank God for all I missed cause it led me here to this."

I have always been in a rush. Everything I did seemed to have a sense of urgency to it, a need to be efficient. I lived for what was next, not where I was. I am so grateful today to live in the present. To realize that missed stoplights are not a bad thing. That pause in my day could have a purpose. Even if it is to just stop and take a deep breath. Now when I find myself rushing, I stop and think...is it really necessary?

What Other People Think of Me is None of My Business

This is another one of those life lessons that I have a love / hate relationship with. I know it's true but remembering it and putting it into practice is another thing. When others are unhappy with me, I want so desperately to explain myself, to justify my actions. To have them understand why I did / said what I did. I hate to not have people "like" me.

I used to think that if I felt uncomfortable feelings: anger, sadness, hurt that there was something "wrong" and I needed to fix it. But sometimes those feelings are there and are a necessary part of life. I used to think that they could not co-exist with love. But in building a loving / trusting relationship we must be honest with those with love. Even if it means we cause hurt (or are hurt). The important thing to remember is the intent is not to hurt but it is part of the process.

When I am in conflict with another I have to take a hard look at myself and my actions. Do I have any regrets? Was my motive in the right place? Once I am at peace with my actions, I must let the situation go.

It is during these times, when I want to; act, resolve, figure out, that I lean on my faith. When I am asked what my religion is, I always pause. I have no emotional tie to any religion so my answer is always "spiritual". I have an deep faith in God but it was not borne from anything I was taught in a church. Don't get me wrong, I have learned some wonderful things in churches but not faith. There is a plan and I am quite certain it is better than mine. Life has proven that to me over and over.

So, what does this have to do with smoking? Everything. Smoking was my coping mechanism. I avoided many feelings by smoking. Once I quit, I had to go about life another way. I had to learn how to live with my feelings, to live with discomfort.

"The Heart of Addiction"

"The Heart of Addiction: How psychology drives addictive behavior" Here is a series of Blog posts from the magazine, Psychology Today. Lance Dodes, MD goes into the myths behind addiction and that it is about far more than the physical addiction to the "drug". I wish I had read his book before I started to quit smoking!

Too Much Energy

I know, I know...your thinking, no such thing. For me though, it can be a big problem.

There are problems to having too much energy. First, I am totally unproductive. My mind starts to race, I think of all the things I want to do, accomplish but then it gets away from me. I become over-whelmed and I shut down. I sit on the couch and stare, thinking of all the things I "should" be doing. My mind is cluttered, disorganized, unfocused. This is when I would smoke. After a cigarette, my mind would slow down and I would be able to focus again. Now that I don't smoke, I had to figure out another way of slowing my mind down. Even three and half years after quitting, it's still something that I struggle with daily.

Second, I become irritable and reactive (think lethal PMS). I can only keep a lid on it for so long, then I blow. My husband is a saint! I am am so thankful for his patience and our ability to communicate. I can tell him "Honey, I think it's best to give me some space".

When I feel myself "escalating", the first thing I do is look around and see what things around me are contributing to my level of arousal: light, sound, touch. I turn down the lights, shut off the TV, computer, radio etc. Is there a fan blowing? A fluorescent light humming? Ear plugs are a godsend. I have learned to not even try to wear clothes that aren't comfortable. Ideally, if I can just sit in a quiet / dark room for 10 minutes, it's enough to calm me down. I come out feeling calm and refreshed, like I just took a nap even though I didn't sleep. Unfortunately, that is not always an option.

Other times, I need to do something more. I have a bag of self-calming tricks (not listed in any particular order) that I use. Go for a walk, take a shower, knit, drink alcohol, take a Xanax, eat, pet my dogs, neurofeedback, drink a cup of (non-caffeinated) tea, say the Serenity Prayer. Obviously, some of these are healthier options than others. I try to use the less healthy options sparingly but there are times that it best for everyone that I use them.

These are the times that I sooo miss smoking. I miss the instant calm it gave me. I didn't need "self-calming strategies" or a "bag of tricks". I just needed a smoke. It was sooo much easier.

Good Things Happen to Good People

There are have been several "turning points" in my life. Interactions with people that have made a profound influence on my life.

I was working at a physical therapy job that for many reasons was not a good fit. I was still married to my first husband and life was not going real well (early 2005). Although, if you had asked me at the time, I'm not sure I could have told you that. I was truly just going through the motions, trying to get through the day. It was a point in my life when I couldn't wait until Friday but then when Friday came, I couldn't wait until Monday.

I had quit this job and it was my last day, my last patient of the day. Keith and I were the only ones left in the clinic. Keith was not one of "my patients", I was seeing him for another therapist. We knew each other but not at all well. We hadn't talked about anything of significance during the session. As he was leaving, halfway out the door. He paused and said to me "Good Things Happen to Good People" and walked out the door.

I still cry when I think about this story. Why he said that, I may never know. The sad part is...I didn't know I was "good people". I didn't think I deserved "good things". But, Keith got me thinking...maybe I was "good people" and I deserved "good things". He planted a seed in me that would take awhile to grow, but grow it did. A few months later, I started making some dramatic changes in my life and withing the year, I was divorced.

I may never get to thank Keith directly, but I hope Karma shines upon him.