If it's not one thing, it's another.

I've had rheumatoid arthritis for 13 plus years. It really hasn't been a big deal, just a pain (literally) once in awhile. Until now... About a month ago, I went into a bad flare. It's taken the wind out of my sails and made me SLOW down, WAY down. This is not in my nature and I am not happy about it.

I'm trying to stay optimistic but I don't want to confuse optimism with denial. This has been quite an eye opener for both myself and my husband. I need to make some life changes but I am really resistant. I just want to feel good, do good things and be an asset to the world. Is this too much to ask??? Ok, so now I am moving into a pity party which I don't want to do either.

I had been feeling so good from an anxiety standpoint. It was no longer interfering with my daily life and I was being productive. Then, this hits. Now I hurt everywhere and am exhausted! Shit!

I am feeling really discouraged.

Freedom

I'm taking the time today to appreciate the freedoms I enjoy. I thank all the people who sacrificed to allow me to enjoy these freedoms.

The freedom I appreciate the most is the freedom of CHOICE. The freedom to believe what is in my heart and not be driven by the "I should" and "I'm supposed to".

To not have my choices restricted by my gender. There are still a lot of woman in the world who do not have this same freedom.

I appreciate the freedom of not being controlled by cigarettes.

I appreciate that I can love children but I am able to choose whether of not I want to have any of my own.

The freedom to be grateful for my past, excited for my future and the ability to be present in the now.

Happy 4th of July!

Right Where I Am Supposed to Be.

I can get so overwhelmed by everything I want to do and become. The beautiful things is, compared to any other point in my life, I am more content than ever before. Today, I am at peace with being right where I am. I am moving in a direction that is feels right in my soul. Am I there? No, but then I think, where is there? Can I just enjoy today for the gifts it brings?

I am happy to be present. To know there is is no "there". There is only today. There used to be someone in my life that thought that to be content was a negative thing. I am grateful to now know the wonderful beauty in contentment.

Happy Anniversary.

It has been four years since I quit smoking! Wow. In some ways it seems like so long ago, other times, not so long. I still crave the peace and serenity I felt smoking a cigarette. Everything seemed ok, if only for a short while. It was a short break from the insanity that was my life.

I think the bigger issue is how much my life has changed since I quit smoking. There really isn't much of my life that is the same. My home, career and car are different, I am now happily married. Most of the changes bring me great joy and happiness. I have a purpose and passion to my life that I never imaged I could have. I used to be so jealous of people who lived their life with passion. I would think "what is my passion?" My mind would literally draw a blank.

My core group of friends has completely changed. This was something I really didn't anticipate happening and I still don't understand why it did. But...it did. I have a wonderful group of friends today but I still feel a sadness for the ones that are no longer in my life.

Such is life. A subtle balance between happiness and sadness. There is joy in feeling both emotions because it reminds me that I alive.

Would I ever start smoking again?

We flew down to Salt Lake City and were walking by the "smoking rooms". My husband asked "sure you don't want to go back?". We have this conversation periodically. Would I ever start again?

I've learned "never say never". I, of course, have pondered this question many times over. My initial response is always, NO. But, then again, if life circumstances were different, maybe. If I lived alone...in Europe maybe where smoking is better tolerated. Sitting in an outdoor cafe with a cold beer and a cigarette is an occasional fantasy.

Then logic takes over. I remember how much smoking controlled my life. My next cigarette was never far from my thoughts. About an hour after my last cigarette, I would start thinking about how I was going to have my next smoke. Looking at my schedule, thinking where will I be? Will I be in a position to step out for a smoke? If I wasn't, I would start to feel a little panic. My mind would be problem solving...how can I make this work? I would be distracted by this problem solving that I really wasn't very focused on what I was doing. Do I miss this? NO

Walking by those smoking rooms at the airport is another good reminder of why I quit. Flying was always a bitch. Salt Lake City is one of the very few airports that still allow smoking in the terminal (yes, SLC allows smoking in the airport, what's up with that???). Most airports, you need to go out through security, smoke a cigarette (or two, ok sometimes three) and then go back through security. Other times, I would panic if my layover was tight. I would evaluate the security line and weigh my options. Did I have time to go out, smoke quick and go back through security without missing my flight? Oh the angst!

If only I could be just a casual smoker! Having that occasional cigarette. But I know better, I can't be a casual smoker. If I started again, I would quickly be back to a pack a day. I know that. I am very aware that if I ever started again, that would be it. Quitting was so horrible, I could never do it again. I would be a smoker for life.

So, with that, starting is really not an option. Except...I did tell myself when I quit that if I was still alive at 70, I could smoke again! I guess the answer to the question is: Yes, in 32 years.

What to do?

I'm angry, sad, optimistic, and confused. I feel like I have so many options yet no options. I lack focus. There are so many things up in the air right now, I am not sure where to put my energy. Where will it be of most use?

This all leads to my feeling over-whelmed. When I get over-whelmed, I shut down. It's one of the things smoking did for me. It gave me a fresh start. I would go outside, have a smoke and things would seem to come into perspective.

It's Monday morning, time for a fresh start, hoping this week brings a new perspective.

Anyone have any thoughts on gaining perspective on life when your feeling overwhelmed?

Today I Gave Into Laziness

I slept in til almost 10 o'clock this morning! For me, this is just craziness. As a smoker, I was always up late and had no problem sleeping in. Since I quit, I am early to bed and early to rise. Usually, the latest (and this is a rare occasion) I sleep into is 8am.

The last six weeks have been crazy, lots going on, lots to do, deadlines to meet. Today my body said "Uncle" and I gave in. Not only did I sleep in late but I took a 2 hour nap this afternoon. All day, I have felt soooo relaxed. It has been heaven. I told my husband that I felt "mellow". His response was "that is not something we have much of around here".

On these rare occasions that I have a day like today, I get a little worried that I have lost all motivation and will never be productive again. Today has been different, I have been at peace with my laziness. I know my drive will come back soon enough and I will be longing for this feeling of mellowness again.

Yes, I do see the irony. I long to feel at peace then when I get it, I am worried about it. Sometimes, I really don't know what to do with myself.

Tonight though, I am going to go back to the couch and knit.