Happiness is...

For me the answer is ACCEPTANCE. There is so much peace in acceptance. When I am at place of acceptance, no matter what it going on; good or bad I can be at peace with it.

To get to our home, we have to drive up into the foothills. If you like winding roads, it's a fun drive. :-) I was driving home yesterday and I got behind a slow driver. My first thought was "SHIT!", there goes my fun drive home. Then I had a moment of perspective. I was able to look at the situation a little different and thought "Today, I am going to slow down and enjoy the drive from a slow speed." Instead of fighting reality and wishing things were different, I was able to be at peace with how things actually were.

I have spent a lot of my life fighting the desire to be different that what I am, always feeling inadequate. I thought to accommodate for my weaknesses was to fail or to be lazy. If I allowed myself accommodations, I wasn't trying hard enough. Bullshit, life is challenging enough as is, why do we keep making things even harder?

I have weaknesses, I'm not good at everything. I can let go of focusing in on what I'm not good at and focus on what I am good at. I accept that and I have never been happier.

Roadblocks

All my life I have felt like I have had to work really hard to do anything. There always seemed to be roadblocks in my way. I had great ideas, the best of intentions but I struggled to follow the intention with action. Does that make any sense???

Once I quit smoking and started treating my anxiety in earnest, the roadblocks started to go away. It was a strange concept for me but suddenly I would think of something to do and I would do it. It used to be that I would think of something, think that I won't be able to do it the the way it "should" be done and so I wouldn't even try. If I did do it, it took a whole lot of "mustering" to get it done and I put it off as long as I could.

A friend pointed out that this was a form of perfectionism. I was like "I don't think so. I am a lazy procrastinator. That is far from a perfectionist.". He explained further..."You envision how you think something should be done, the perfect way it should be done. You then decide that you will not be able to accomplish it perfectly so you don't do it.". Ahhhh, light bulb moment!!!

I am so grateful for the smart people I have in my life!

Transitions

Smoking was a "transition" for me. Something to fill in the gap between activities. When I woke up in the morning; I got out of bed, grabbed a Diet Pepsi and went outside and had a cigarette. When I finished eating, I smoked. When I finished dusting, I smoked then I moved onto vacuuming.

The transition I still struggle with, three and half years later is when I don't know what to do next. It's not that I lack things to do, I just don't know what I want to start on next. Tonight, I finished working on a project that I had been working on for most of the weekend. As I sat on the couch, I thought "this would be a good time for a cigarette". Smoking a cigarette was a "transition", a chance to take a deep breath, clear my head, and ponder my options. By the time I finished the cigarette, I usually would have it figured out what I would do next.

After I quit, the worst transition time was when I would first get home from work. I would stand in my kitchen and think "now what?". Again, I had lots that needed to be done but I just couldn't quite get going. Something was missing.

I needed to find a new transition. This is still a work in progress. Like dealing with my anxiety, I have to have a "bag of tricks". Get a drink of water, go to the bathroom, knit, sit and stare, read a magazine. Tonight, I took a shower. When I got out, my husband looked at me confused and asked why I took a shower. I said something witty but the reality is I needed a transition. By the time I got out of the shower, I knew what I was going to do next and a blog post was born.

Feeling Alone

One of the things that I know that was to my advantage when I quit smoking was that I lived alone. Unfortunately, when I quit smoking I also withdrew into isolation. I really struggled to be around other people. This was really confusing for me. I have always been a "people person". After I quit smoking, I dreaded the thought of chit chatting with anyone. I would think...please no small talk, please.

At the time, I didn't understand why. I knew just being around people was uncomfortable. I dreaded it. Not just in social situations but things like grocery shopping. I used to shop at Wal-Mart but I found myself gravitating towards the smaller, local grocery stores. I was in survival mode and I didn't have the energy or mental clarity to figure out why this was going on. I just wanted to get in, get out and go home. My home was my haven. It was quiet, dark and I didn't have to talk to anyone.

The other frustration is no one seemed to understand what I was going through. I mean...no one. I tried to talk to my friends. They would say, "Ohhh...you miss smoking". I was like..."No, I miss how it made me feel. I miss the sense of calm, of being in control of myself". They all looked at me kinda blank.

I even tried going to Alcoholic Anonymous (AA) meetings. I was an addict after all. But it just didn't feel right. I didn't relate to them either.

My boyfriend and I had only been dating a few months, still very early in our relationship. He was very supportive and encouraging but we didn't have that level of trust yet. I wasn't ready to be that vulnerable with him.

I am still looking for that community. Of people who relate to me. I started the blog in hopes of developing that community. I would love to hear anyone's thoughts...good or bad! Tell me I'm an idiot, it's ok. I've been called worse :)

Planting Seeds

I love the concept of "planting seeds". My path to making some dramatic changes came from someone planting a seed. I had a friend point out (in a loving way) an area in my life that was dysfunctional. I wasn't ready to confront the issue at the time but the seed was planted. He didn't bring the subject up again. As the dysfunction became a larger and larger problem, his voice would pop in my head. When things got bad enough, I knew where to turn. The seed he planted gave me hope.

It would take several more years until I went back to this friend and said two words... "I'm ready". Although we had not talked about it again since that original conversation, he knew exactly what I was talking about. We both started to cry...

Don't underestimate the power of planting seeds.

Shouldn't I be "over" this?

Several months after quitting, I started thinking..."Shouldn't I be over this? It's been THREE months since I smoked my last cigarette". I keep thinking this over the next six months. I kept hoping for my mind to clear, for my energy level to come back. I was just in this fog. I was going through the motions in life. And barely getting through that. I would get home and think "Please God, let tomorrow be better".

The answer was no, I shouldn't be over this. Honestly...it was nine months before I started to have a glimpse of coming out of the "fog". I don't say that to discourage anyone. In fact, I am hoping it will do just the opposite. Just because you still feel like shit, doesn't mean your doing anything "wrong". Quitting smoking is a bitch. And no...in a few months you won't be "over it". But it does get better.

I really wish I could have just taken a sabbatical while I quit. I wish I could have gone to a deserted island for nine months. To get throught the "crazies". But that isn't reality. I am very aware that I had it easier than most. I was newly divorced, no kids, had a job that required minimal interaction with people and my co-workers were sooo supportive (thanks MHH!) . I was in a long distance relationship with a man who was very understanding and supportive. By being able to talk through the "crazies" with him, he was able to help me understand the "logic" of what I was going through. That, in fact, I wasn't crazy.

I had to give myself "a break", cut myself "some slack". I had to focus on "one day at time". It does get better and it is worth it. Go easy on yourself.

The Power of Vulnerability

I just watched this amazing lecture from Brene Brown on The Power of Vulnerability. Wow...She explains so eloquently and humorously what I feel. She has done a great job of explaining how we can move forward in this world to live with peace with ourselves and others.

A Few Thoughts on "God"

I have avoided making many references to "God" in my blog thus far. Mostly, I don't want to turn anyone off. I don't belong to any religion but I do have a deep faith in God. Most simply stated, I am spiritual. I am on no mission to have you believe what I believe. The God of my understanding allows us all to believe in our own way. It's even ok with me if you don't believe.

Perfectly Imperfect

I have wasted so much time trying to be perfect and more often not even trying because I knew I wouldn't be perfect. I have spent so much of my life uncomfortable in my own skin. Trying to be someone I thought I was supposed to be or should be. I thought I was supposed to have all the answers, know exactly how to react / respond in all situations. If I didn't, I was a failure.

Our culture is so focused on perfection and "fitting in". If we don't fit some pre-conceived mold, there is something "wrong" with us. I'm not perfect nor will I ever be. But I am... Perfectly Imperfect. I do the best I can. I make mistakes but hopefully I learn from them. I will make amends when necessary. I will never know all the answers.

Don't you remember thinking someday... when you "grow up", everything will be great??? Hell, I don't know if I will ever "grow up". Whatever that means. I was talking to a friend about an interaction I had with a child that hurt my feelings and she said. "Well... you're the adult. you can't show your hurt." At first I agreed and then I thought, why can't I show that I'm hurt? You don't quit getting hurt or struggling when you "grow up". Life is always going to have ups and downs, I am going to continue to make mistakes and guess what... IT"S OK!!!

I have found the most happiness in life when I'm at peace with it. No matter where I am at. Things can be really shitty but that's just where things are at. I can choose to be miserable during the shitty times or I can accept that things are shitty and have faith that it won't last forever. I am the person I am and I have the life that I have (which I LOVE) because of everything I have gone through. My struggles, my mistakes, my hurts all allow me to appreciate the little things.

I had to change my mindset as to what I thought I was aspiring to in life. It is not about achieving perfection. For me, it is about aspiring to live each day as the God of my understanding intends me to live it. I will do my best to help others without losing myself. To achieve a life of Perfect Imperfection.

Where am I Rushing Too?

I just heard a new song from Darius Rucker "This". The chorus really stuck with me... "For every stoplight I didn't make...Thank God for all I missed cause it led me here to this."

I have always been in a rush. Everything I did seemed to have a sense of urgency to it, a need to be efficient. I lived for what was next, not where I was. I am so grateful today to live in the present. To realize that missed stoplights are not a bad thing. That pause in my day could have a purpose. Even if it is to just stop and take a deep breath. Now when I find myself rushing, I stop and think...is it really necessary?

What Other People Think of Me is None of My Business

This is another one of those life lessons that I have a love / hate relationship with. I know it's true but remembering it and putting it into practice is another thing. When others are unhappy with me, I want so desperately to explain myself, to justify my actions. To have them understand why I did / said what I did. I hate to not have people "like" me.

I used to think that if I felt uncomfortable feelings: anger, sadness, hurt that there was something "wrong" and I needed to fix it. But sometimes those feelings are there and are a necessary part of life. I used to think that they could not co-exist with love. But in building a loving / trusting relationship we must be honest with those with love. Even if it means we cause hurt (or are hurt). The important thing to remember is the intent is not to hurt but it is part of the process.

When I am in conflict with another I have to take a hard look at myself and my actions. Do I have any regrets? Was my motive in the right place? Once I am at peace with my actions, I must let the situation go.

It is during these times, when I want to; act, resolve, figure out, that I lean on my faith. When I am asked what my religion is, I always pause. I have no emotional tie to any religion so my answer is always "spiritual". I have an deep faith in God but it was not borne from anything I was taught in a church. Don't get me wrong, I have learned some wonderful things in churches but not faith. There is a plan and I am quite certain it is better than mine. Life has proven that to me over and over.

So, what does this have to do with smoking? Everything. Smoking was my coping mechanism. I avoided many feelings by smoking. Once I quit, I had to go about life another way. I had to learn how to live with my feelings, to live with discomfort.